A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Tag Archives: Oprah Winfrey

Honesty Is the ONLY Policy

The past nine days have been intensely emotional. That’s the sentence that captures exactly what I’ve been going through. For the past three years, I’ve been on a personal journey to clear myself of negative energy and release toxic emotions from my being. It’s not easy and at times, this process of clearing energy moves way slower than I want it to.

On Sunday night, I had a particular experience that led me to watch a recorded episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass (this one had Bishop T.D. Jakes as a guest and took place at MegaFest). After about 17 minutes, I found myself asking, “WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?” While the focus was on “fatherless children,” there was something that struck me about the pain of having an absent parent. For a while (and this is a story I won’t get into — gotta save something for my tell-all autobiography), I’ve buried the pain of being the child that was overlooked and abused and forgotten about. The thought that came to mind about why I’ve remained wounded in life was that, “Even if people do the best that they could have done, it doesn’t lessen the hurt.”

That statement is true. It doesn’t lessen the sting of being at a Family Reunion (on my Dad’s side) and having to be introduced to family members only to overhear one of them say, “I thought he only had one daughter.” To be an outsider was hard.

And I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to feel the opposite of that. I’ve found myself in situations where I’ve essentially done things because I knew that for a fleeting moment, I’d be the one that they (my parents) would have to pay attention to. Then I read something on Monday morning that talked about letting go of hurts and the biggest impediment to doing so. Before I got to the end of the paragraph and had a major “AHA!” moment, I was sure that the impediment was going to be something like, “We can’t get over our hurts because people won’t acknowledge that we can feel the same way.” That thought process is something like, “You want me to extend my empathy to you but you can’t do that for me.” That’s blaming. That doesn’t work.

That was also NOT the answer.

The biggest impediment to getting through our hurts is that we ask the question, “Why?” The answer is very simple, “Because they could.” It doesn’t mean that they meant it intentionally. It doesn’t mean that they thought less of you. It doesn’t mean that they set out to contribute to the misery in your existence. It just happened. And it happened because they behaved in a way that they could.

With that being said, I’ll share that this realization brought about the biggest sigh of relief and then the largest cloud of panic I’ve been engulfed in since I watched an apartment burn to the ground. For me, I felt good because it suddenly clicked that I’m amazing and that I’ve always been amazing. On the other hand, it was absolutely terrifying because I realized that (1) I haven’t been living in my fullest potential AND (2) if I live in my potential and embrace the amazing and succeed, it would mean that I was the reason life has been so difficult in the past few years.

I decided to call this post “Honesty is the ONLY policy” because it means that I can do things that I’ve always wanted to do because I approach life with a zeal and understanding that I deserve the good things. And that’s okay. But I also realized four things:

  1. I am at an exciting time in my life.
  2. I choose to stand in my authenticity.
  3. I am all of that and MORE!
  4. My past gave me the foundation to be great. Not mediocre. GREAT!

With this new policy, taking on my baggage doesn’t seem as scary. I can only come out better anyway.

Have you had a moment that changed the way you thought about yourself? If so, share in the comments.

Reflections On the 21-Day Meditation Challenge (#31WriteNow)

I did it! I’m so proud of myself for completing the 21-Day Meditation Challenge on “Miraculous Relationships” hosted by Deepak Chopra with the assistance of one of my FAVORITE personalities, Oprah Winfrey. While this wasn’t my first meditation challenge I’ve signed up for, it was the FIRST one I’ve completed and did the days in order (read: I didn’t skip or miss days). This challenge was three weeks of internal work to build Miraculous Relationships and I believe that it was well worth it.

Relationships, in general, are something I struggle with. Even with my closest ties to people, I feel inauthentic in many of my interactions. There is always a mask to be worn because I fear that I won’t be accepted if I truly share with people who I am, how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. The older I get and the more I choose to do some internal work, the better I understand that I’ve developed this style of interacting with others as a coping mechanism. This stems not only from the abuse I endured when I was younger but also as a result of witnessing how people treat others who are vulnerable.

Ultimately, I want to get to a place where I KNOW I can be myself and this challenge was the first step. It’s exhausting (for me) to pretend to be someone I’m not. It’s hard for me to play the “I’m alright” card when I know I’m not.  At this point in my life, I’m starting to grasp that I have no more expendable energy to keep up a façade so that others feel absolutely comfortable with me. But that’s not what this post is about (I’ve actually scheduled a post for later this week on expectations and acceptance). This particular post is about finishing a challenge and the BIG thing I learned.

I just have to say this again – I FINISHED a 21-Day Meditation Challenge and this makes me proud!

What doesn’t make me proud is that after turning a mirror onto myself, I realized that I have a problem seeing things to the end. I can set an awesome goal and even outline a very doable plan but for some reason, the follow-through isn’t quit there. This realization is scary because I have major dreams and goals that require a precise attention to detail and most importantly, following through.

The good news though is that I’ve decided to kill two birdies with one stone (sidenote: I do not like this saying but it fits). From now through the end of September, I’ve chosen to focus meticulously on (1) understanding myself and the way I function and (2) developing new techniques and habits so that my goals are reached. I’ve asked three people to be my “accountability buddy” and I’ll be sharing with them my goals on a weekly basis and the progress I’ve made on each one. In addition to that, I’ve decided to seriously study just about every aspect of myself using various tools like spiritual reading plans, astrological information (at some point, I’ll share my reactions to my Natal Chart) and good old trial-and-error.

Moving forward, I want to build a foundation that best protects me from extra stress in my life while I reach for my goals (I mention protection here because setbacks and failures are inevitable). I’m absolutely glad that I made the decision to stick with this challenge because I can already feel a difference in how I relate to myself. I’ll use the excitement and confidence I got from completing a challenge to begin this process of self-actualization and I’m eager to share what I learn along the way.

What challenges have you completed that you are proud of?

Realization Number 1: Forgiveness For Myself (#31WriteNow)

This very great thing happens when you are left alone with nothing to do really.

You think.

You think about everything. You think about everything and some more. Then you start thinking (well, remembering really) about things you thought you forgot and these are the most powerful moments of thinking because in there is a decision inside of them.

Earlier this morning, I was doing Day 9 of the 21-Day Meditation Challenge with the Chopra Center. The focus on this challenge is Miraculous Relationships and it’s been pretty great so far. The centering thought was “My loving truth shines for all to see” and I tell you that today was a particularly intense meditation.

Intense and light…if that makes sense.

At one point, it felt like I’d stopped breathing but was breathing all at the same time and I’ve never felt that before. But it was also in this point that I was hit with the thought, “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney?” See…and that’s the way my rude brain works (LOL). Here I am breathing deeply in and breathing deeply out after centering myself and emptying my thoughts and here my brain wants to be pushy-pushy with the “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney?” I finished my meditation after pushing that thought away and decided I wanted to listen to Tamar Braxton’s song, “The One” and as I am absolutely enjoying my lip-syncing moment, my brain again says, “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney? Did you ever forgive that man who hurt you?”

Uh….no.

Okay, okay, okay. So after one dramatic eye-roll, I decide to make myself up a forgiveness list. I got the idea to write on the top of paper “My Forgiveness List” and then skipped two lines and wrote the Universal Law of Karma, which says:

“Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. Choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others ensures the flow of happiness and success to you.”

Now, I would love to mention here that I don’t know at all where the idea to write the Law of Karma came from…but I’ve been told that one of my Spirit Angels is Athena (with the other two being Sulis and Isis) and from what I know of her/them, they are NOTHING to play with. So I’ve just gotten into the habit of following my intuition and the little nudges I get from my Spirit. After that, I decided to find an affirmation on forgiveness that I’d say aloud and write at the end of each Forgiveness Note before putting away in a box (or burning — I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet). As I’m looking for the affirmation that speaks to me, I am suddenly hit with the thought, “Find one that talks about self forgiveness. That’s why you’re doing this.”

My reaction, “Oh really?”

Now I said that OUT LOUD…and if you know nothing about Athena, Sulis, and Isis….well, know that one is like gangsta gangsta “Girl….you know what you need to be doing so STOP asking questions. Sheesh, I’m right here” and the other two are like, “We don’t take mess and we raise people from the dead and we ain’t nothing to eff with” (cue Kendrick Lamar’s “Ronald Reagan Era” because that’s the ONLY song that fits these three). After saying OUT LOUD, “Oh really?” this nudge from my spirit was like, “Girl! Don’t play with us!”

So I said, “Okay.”

But then I realized the significance of forgiveness. Like, I’ve moved from understanding to KNOWING. Forgiveness is never about the person you are forgiving and it’s all about you. It became easier to write my forgiveness list the moment I wrote down my forgiveness affirmation:

As I forgive myself, it becomes easier to forgive others.

Just getting people on the list makes me feel lighter and I am really starting to feel that centering thought is authentic to my being and personality:

My loving truth shines for all to see.

If you’d like to join the 21-Day Meditation Challenge, visit Chopra Meditation Center.