A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Tag Archives: Life

Truths Revealed

January 1st is always a day that feels like it comes with a built in reset button for life. It is the only reason that I look forward to it with so much anticipation. This last year though? I wondered if it would hold the same promise that other “new year” days held.

With 2015 being as bad as it was, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t see thirty if life continued to feel as hopeless. What changed for me was a response to a message I sent to a friend that was really close to me. In it, she told me that she wanted to work on our friendship.

And that has been the theme of many of my conversations lately. People are just as afraid of being vulnerable as I am. Their fear of the truth crippled them as much as my fear crippled me.

The thing I learned though was to face the fear and find something, anything, to pull me to a place of courage. We’re all afraid because we’re human but the fear should never stop us from living a vibrant life.

That’s one truth revealed.

Thank you January 1st for this.

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Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This!

Hey Ladies!

Featured image

Let’s have a chat, shall we? The other day, I started to think about what I want my life to look like in 2016. This year, I’m taking a whole new approach to resolutions (or something, I haven’t decided). As I looked at the calendar and compared it to the list of my goals, I wondered, “How in the hell am I supposed to get all of this shit done?”

I also wondered if I even wanted to get it done but that’s what December is for. November is for getting all of my dreams out on paper; December is the reality check (lol). After I got over the initial “ugh” feeling, I started to think about the best way TO do these things. That’s right! I got practical. I asked:

When is the best time to get this shit done?

And then I realized something – I should use my natural inclination to “wanting to do shit” to, you know, do stuff. Now, by this time, you’re probably wondering, “What is she talking about?” I’m talking about our cycles – the ENTIRE cycle (and not just Hell/Shark/JESUS IS IT ARMAGEDDON AGAIN?! Week). This is basically what I’ve come to learn about being a woman that wasn’t in those little books they give you in your middle school health class.

The point?

WE, women*, ARE NATURALLY INCLINED TO DO SHIT BASED ON OUR ENTIRE CYCLE. The whole thing. All 21-30 days. So here are some things to remember about them.

Week 1: I LOVE EVERYONE!

Principle: Do NOT Make Important Decisions. The rule here is that you do not, under any circumstances, make any major decision. Do not agree to shit.

Do NOT agree to a damn thing.

Why? You are ovulating (I know the cycle doesn’t start here BUT I refused to start my post detailing the horrors of Shark Week). You love everyone so much that your helpful ass won’t actually do any work because you’ll overwhelm yourself with “Of course!” and “Yes!” These are the couple of days that you’re happy you’ve once again survived the Rogue Midget in Cleats running through you womb like it was the 6 (shouts to Drake and/or Q. Miller).

Remember that everything only looks appealing. That event with those people you can’t stand because their energy is wrong? You’ll say yes to that because everyone deserves a second, third, twenty-seventh chance. The really bad ideas you hear that the Sharks on Shark Tank wouldn’t even entertain? You’ll say yes to that because everything looks appealing.

So do not make any important decisions. Have the conversations, take notes, but don’t commit. Besides, you’ll be so pleasant that people won’t be offended by your “No.”

Week 2: I’M JUST BEING HONEST!

Principle: Find A Different Way To Say/Do/Think That. Sure! They need to hear whatever it is you want to tell them, just not from you. The thing to remember here is that you’re suddenly more shrewd. Ovulation happened and everything became stupid. Your egg dropped, went unfertilized, and everyone, except you, became the dumbest person alive.

But you won’t say that.

You’ll just give off the vibe that you are too cool for school. YOU ARE TOO COOL FOR ANYTHING! Because you’re (pre)PMSing. Now while this isn’t a great time to start anything, it is a wonderful time to THINK about what you want/need to see happen in your life. This is the perfect time to write it ALL down (don’t delete anything) and get it ALL out. This is also a great time to start sorting through your things and purging them, especially within the first three days of this particular hormonal phase. This is basically when you prepare for the bullshit that is to come in the next week.

Week 3: JESUS FIX IT!

Principle: Love Yourself Because You’ll Think No One Else Does. This is the week that everyone in life holds their breathe about, whether or not they have a period. This is also the week that you have everything, and I mean, everything about yourself. And it is not your fault. And your boy/girlfriend are not insensitive bastards who wish to crush your feelings because they were raised by unloving people who left them alone in dark rooms. I hate to say this because it violates all of the Girl Code but…

It is NOT them; it is You.

And blame whoever you need to. Do whatever you need to do to get through this week since Self-Care is the name of the game (it’s the only game). Love yourself a lot because the mirror won’t. This is the time of the month (see what I did there?) you don’t want to be alive. These are the days that you’ll wonder why everyone hates you, why they dump all of their shit on you, and why you, yes You, can’t get it together. Your hair is dry. Your skin is splotchy. Your clothes don’t fit. And you want to eat everything in life that ensures they will never fit again. It’s okay, Dear.

As I said, your only goal here is to love yourself. Because this love makes the next week of eating crow and getting shit done a lot easier.

Week 4: LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Principle: Do Everything You Really Want To Accomplish. Depending on how bad Hormonal Armageddon was will dictate how apologetic you need to be on the first day of this week. It’s okay. We’ve all been there and your hair actually looks okay enough to make people want to stick around to go through it again. In three weeks. Because hormones. So start with the apologies and then get started on that list of things to do!

This is when you implement the new ideas and commit to the contracts. You are the most levelheaded you’ll be and as this week goes on, you’ll only become more pleasant. You see clearly here because you have 20/20 vision. You feel great here because your energy is back. This is where your personal “I Am the Shit” playlist comes in handy. You are unstoppable so go out and conquer the world.

You’ll only have five days to do so.

.

*Men are hormonal too but that required several drinks and a bulletproof vest to write about (I’ll put it on the list for next year).

Today’s Lesson: On Competition

Definition: (as we know it) the activity or condition of competing; (in ecology) interaction between organisms is which birth, growth, and death depend on gaining a share of a limited resource

Yesterday, I made up my mind to stop competing. This isn’t to say that I give up on anything. No, it’s quite the opposite.

In deciding to not compete in anything, a weight was lifted from shoulders and I literally let out a sigh of relief.

As a Reformed Perfectionist, deciding to not compete chipped away at the final piece of insecurity that fueled many of my actions. It was almost as though I understood that subconsciously agreeing to compete in life meant that I showed the Universe I was willing to settle for some fleeting recognition or a prize that could easily be taken away. By not competing, it shows that I know I deserve everything I want plus greater.

Do yourself a favor today. Resign from the emotional turmoil that comes along with senseless competitions in life.

Monday Morning Musings – January 27, 2014

As of the writing of this post, it is 5:25 am. I am functioning on less than four hours of sleep and I’ve already been up for close to an hour. I would blame this on insomnia but it’s really that I’m so nervous about life.

The other day I admitted to someone that I was insecure about where I am in life and they mentioned my accomplishments. I appreciate that they tried to cheer me up. In that moment though, my accomplishments only made me feel more of a failure. So I haven’t slept well. And I haven’t slept well for close to a month.

This morning on Facebook, I see this question: if you were living totally free, what would you be manifesting for yourself in your life?

Being empty, that’s a scary question. Being insecure, that’s an intimidating question. Being accomplished with not much of my own thing to show for it? Well, that’s downright bloodcurdling.

The thing that popped into my head is that I want a lot. I want to be wealthy. I want to be financially stable. I want a nice house with a nice car and a driver. I want designer flatware and really nice linens with a thread count so high that I could use them for my future children’s math lessons. I want to be about the community but I want nice things. And I don’t want to be responsible for other people. I don’t want that weight. I want freedom. I want the freedom to say, “You know? I’ve never been to this country before so I think I’ll go next week” and then go.

That’s why I’m nervous about life. Because here’s what I know or what’s been shown to me by other people: you can have a multitude of accomplishments and be a great person. The moment you decide to live a great life that also happens to be carefree, you are a villain. You are a part of the problem of humanity.

I want nice things and I don’t want to feel bad.

Forced to Recalibrate

Calibrate: To make corrections in; adjust. (source)

If I were asked to describe this phase of my life on yesterday, I would have honestly said that I had no idea why I was here and facing the same difficulties again. In full transparency, those difficulties include: (1) being definitively homeless and (2) being definitively ignorant (showing a lack of education or knowledge) in correctly applying lessons to my life.

Basically, I would describe it as “same shit, different day.”

Last night though, something happened. That something was a bit of clarity. While sitting in silence, two thoughts came to me (one of which I’m sharing here). The major thought is that I’m in a season of recalibration. That’s right, this is a time to course correct and had I paid attention to the lessons and applied them to all aspects of my life, I wouldn’t face the difficulties I’m in now.

Honestly, I’ve been scared. I know that it means to cut people off or deal with them differently and I’m not ready for that. I really don’t think anyone is ever ready for that task but it’s necessary. I’m not sure what life will look like in the next few weeks or even tomorrow, but I know that once every thing is adjusted accordingly, I’ll move forward with such ease. And that’s what keeps me going.

 

The Problem With Goal-Setting

For some odd reason, all of my greatest thoughts start to surface when I’m trying to rest. By rest, I mean go to sleep.

Without fail, I find myself winding down by 10pm yet I’m jotting notes until 3am because my brain is always like “one more thing Court!” And who am I to say no to what could mean an early retirement? So I jot down my thoughts and things I need to follow up on.

But something interesting happened one night as I tried to get comfortable in bed. My Spirit whispered, “You know…you only have to set a goal because you like the goal.” I was confused and annoyed. I was confused because I didn’t understand where this came from. I was annoyed because I KNEW I was not going to sleep until it was figured out. Thank you Brain.

Thanks a lot.

Now, I actually said “Thanks a lot,” and I did so with as much sarcasm as 3:01am would allow. Would you know that my Brain said, “No problem and you’re welcome”?

Then it hit me – it being my problem with goal setting. You see? I’m great at goal setting and I’m super good at planning the necessary steps to reach the goal. Actually getting to the goal? That’s a bit problematic.

I have the tendency to set awesome and amazing and sometimes vain goals for myself. But more than that though, I have the tendency to come up with acceptable reasons for setting the goals. It’s my coping mechanism for thinking people will be unnerved at my daring to dream. I realize now that the reason I end up not caring about the goal is that I don’t connect emotionally with the reason. This is a vicious cycle to find yourself in, especially if you are like me and fluctuate between “I’m okay” self-esteem and “Ummm, what was I thinking” self-esteem. The goal-justification cycle is one of the most abusive behaviors I engage in with myself.

As of the writing of this post (3:07am), that all stops. I will no longer set goals that make me happy and think of reasons to justify my goals to other people. I’m releasing myself from the burden of expectations and the attachment of others’ reactions to my accomplishments.

Why? Because my Brain told me I only have to set a goal because I like it.

The More Things Change

I had my surgery to remove my renegade fibroids and a demonic ovarian cyst due to endometriosis a little over 6 months ago. I even shared 12 Things I Wish I’d Known before the major operation. Now I’m back to give an update and share some REAL challenges because it’s been…interesting.

Let’s start with the positives (that’s always a good place to start)!

  1. I don’t look pregnant anymore! Whooooooooooo hoo! You know because I’m not. I can’t tell you how embarrassing/insulting it would be for people to ask me if I happened to be expecting because my abdomen was swollen. It was that swollen. I can recall a time where I was on an aisle of baby products buying my friend a gift for her shower and a woman arguing me down about whether or not I was with child. Tuh! So glad it’s no longer swollen.
  2. My Crohn’s doesn’t act up as often! As one of my favorite reality personalities Tamar Braxton-Herbert would say, “Hallelu!” That’s a a throw your hands up and praise shout moment because there were consecutive weekends that I would be in the Emergency Room for yet another scan. The culprit most of the time (now we know this)? Those damn fibroids. Now that they are gone, I’m only having a crisis like 30% of the time.

Now for the “They didn’t tell me this shit would still happen” part (and excuse my language).

  1. Ovulation – still painful. Matter fact, it’s so painful now that I’m just like, “Is there another cyst? Was there a hidden cyst? Let’s go find it because I’m not about this life!”
  2. My cycles – still painful. I remember my doctor saying that there was a small chance that my cycles would still be 9/10 on the pain scale painful. I should have had her clarify as to what she meant by small because guess what? It’s still a 9/10 on the pain scale painful.
  3. The birth control I was on made my boobs grow. That was an unexpected expense I didn’t want to incur and a part of me who is sorta vain wants to say, “This is a good thing.” BUT nope. My chest hurts all of the time.
  4. Exercising is interesting. Even now, I still have abdomen pain near my incision and I still have to take things easy because I have no feeling in the area of my incision. Great! Not great!
  5. My anemia is still weird. There’s really nothing else to describe that. It just is.

I mean, that’s all I have. Just wanted to update you all. Maybe in a year, I’ll be able to say, “Hey Y’all! I’m cured!”

Your Problems Reveal Your Priorities

On yesterday, my church celebrated it’s annual Women’s Day and it was amazing. Our guest speaker was a First Lady from another church (her name slips me at the moment but I’ll share it later) and she shared an amazing message. The title of the lesson she brought was “Why me?” and I decided to pay extra attention as that is a question I have found myself asking a LOT! The great thing is that i was not disappointed in what I received from her message.

During the time she spoke, she shared this thought with us: “The trials (in our lives) reveal our trust (in God)*.”  Now when I heard her say that, a thought quickly flashed in my mind:

“The problems we create in our lives reveal our priorities.”

What was interesting about that revelation is that it can be both a good thing and a bad thing. What do I mean by that? I’m only saying that if you take a moment to examine everything going on in your life with complete honesty, you’ll realize that (almost) everything around you and most of the experiences you have are a result of your choice to focus your behaviors and actions on certain things.

To break it down even further, think of a test. You study and you understand the material so well that you are confident going into your exam. When you receive you test and see an “A,” you realize that you efforts paid off. Your priority was doing well on the test so you focused your behaviors and actions on studying and understanding the material. The result? An exceptional grade.

I used that example because people will sometimes hear the word problem and think the worst possible scenario. I want people to know that a lack of major problems is also indicative of where you chose to focus your priorities.

Say you look around and you are living your dream life! You went to school and earned an education in something you’re interested in. You are paid generously for your expertise and you give back to the community in service. Your circumstances simply reveal that you prioritized yourself and your dreams. You see spectacular results because your actions were in alignment with your vision to manifest it. Congratulations.

Likewise, let’s look at the opposite (I’ll take a moment here to admit that this is why the thought was so profound — I’m currently in this category). You have had many opportunities to do what you dreamed of or you are amazingly talented, yet you aren’t where you wish to be. Perhaps you focused on helping others and put yourself on the back-burner. Maybe you spent time in a place or situation with the intention to improve others because you started to feel differently about life. But all around you, your life is in shambles. You are doing everything right and yet, you still ask, “Why me?”

Do you understand it’s because you focused on tasks and actions that were not in alignment with your purpose or priorities?

Don’t worry though. There’s always good news when I share something like this. You can Course Correct. Be warned, the necessary actions may be difficult but once you become aware of YOUR purpose, you can prioritize tasks and actions to support this.

How do you start? Well, you figure out what makes you happy. Begin to understand what drives you to serve others and course correct.

It may take a while to work through your mess, but once you do, you’ll find that your problems reveal your priorities in the best way possible.

*Word in parenthesis are my own and are added for context.

Impressions of Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley

Have you ever heard something that touched you at your core? I have. It’s always how I feel when I read this poem, it becomes personal.

In all my years of reading it (since I was 15 to be precise – thank you “Bat Shit Crazy” English teacher), I’m reminded of the will to keep going, often during times where everything else in me has given up. Where does that need to move forward and become better come from? I’m not sure but many people share the belief that it is from a Source more powerful than ourselves. An outside force, if you will.

But I’d like to believe that it comes from a memory.

In this day and age of competition and achievement, people of my generation (Generation Y, I believe) have been pushed to be all that we can be. We must be excellent at everything that we do and success is measured by some imaginary, and often unfair, metric that was around for our parents and grandparents.

“Grow up. Be smart. Earn great grades. Be athletic. Be well-rounded. Go to college. Graduate and get a job. Everyone can do this but you will have to do it amazingly well AND in a way that makes everyone around you comfortable.”

But what if what inspires your soul makes everyone uncomfortable? That’s what I think about now when I read that poem.

For 27 years, I’ve been groomed and meticulously conditioned to play the game using conventional rules. This is the way to “success.” But like so many of my peers, I’m disconnected. Success, to me, isn’t what it is to everyone.

Success to me is happiness. And happiness to me means that I’m comfortable and not triggered by situations that will lead to my depression. I’ve been there before and I hate going back.

Because when you’re covered in darkness, you’re never really happy. Lately, I’ve come to change my stance that depression is darkness. Instead darkness for me has been the dimming of my dream to meet the expectations (and comfort levels) of others. I move forward now and adversity is no longer an exercise that I liken to strength training. It just is and I been busy reteaching myself a spiritual truth – I am in control of my destiny.

This post is just a short post…a letter (or plea) to others like me. Let your soul wake up & let passion be your guide as you walk these roads in life. For it is the only thing that will let you be the Master of Your Fate and Captain of Your Soul.

Living Fully

WHOOOOOO!!!! Before I get into this post, let’s talk about the fact that I have 100 posts on my blog! After three years (I think), I finally buckled down, got disciplined with my writing and hit a goal. This is actually post 101 and I think it’s appropriate since it marks the start of something “new.”

For the past few weeks, I’ve been intentional about being present and fully aware with how I’m feeling and with what’s going on. In the past, I’ve usually bottled up everything. While it’s freeing, it’s sometimes a bit weird to see the reactions of others because I know they think I’m losing it. One moment, I can be sorta great or at the very least good. The next moment, I’ll see or read something that frustrates me or makes me sad and instead of packing it away and pretending I’m fine, I acknowledge what I feel.

This has been new not just for me but for those around me. I don’t have outbursts but I’m no longer pretending to be okay. I’m also becoming more mindful of how ignoring something has an impact on people around me because I’ve learned that I’m one of those personalities that can’t hide anything. I CAN NOT TELL A LIE!!! in real life lol.

The one thing that I’m proud of is that this “living fully” is trickling into other areas of my life. Some exciting things are coming up (and I’ll be sure to blog about some of them) and I’m looking forward to all of it.

It’s amazing what being completely honest does for you and your mindset.