A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Tag Archives: Life As I Know It

Impressions of Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley

Have you ever heard something that touched you at your core? I have. It’s always how I feel when I read this poem, it becomes personal.

In all my years of reading it (since I was 15 to be precise – thank you “Bat Shit Crazy” English teacher), I’m reminded of the will to keep going, often during times where everything else in me has given up. Where does that need to move forward and become better come from? I’m not sure but many people share the belief that it is from a Source more powerful than ourselves. An outside force, if you will.

But I’d like to believe that it comes from a memory.

In this day and age of competition and achievement, people of my generation (Generation Y, I believe) have been pushed to be all that we can be. We must be excellent at everything that we do and success is measured by some imaginary, and often unfair, metric that was around for our parents and grandparents.

“Grow up. Be smart. Earn great grades. Be athletic. Be well-rounded. Go to college. Graduate and get a job. Everyone can do this but you will have to do it amazingly well AND in a way that makes everyone around you comfortable.”

But what if what inspires your soul makes everyone uncomfortable? That’s what I think about now when I read that poem.

For 27 years, I’ve been groomed and meticulously conditioned to play the game using conventional rules. This is the way to “success.” But like so many of my peers, I’m disconnected. Success, to me, isn’t what it is to everyone.

Success to me is happiness. And happiness to me means that I’m comfortable and not triggered by situations that will lead to my depression. I’ve been there before and I hate going back.

Because when you’re covered in darkness, you’re never really happy. Lately, I’ve come to change my stance that depression is darkness. Instead darkness for me has been the dimming of my dream to meet the expectations (and comfort levels) of others. I move forward now and adversity is no longer an exercise that I liken to strength training. It just is and I been busy reteaching myself a spiritual truth – I am in control of my destiny.

This post is just a short post…a letter (or plea) to others like me. Let your soul wake up & let passion be your guide as you walk these roads in life. For it is the only thing that will let you be the Master of Your Fate and Captain of Your Soul.

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You Can Be Anything!!! – pt. 2 (#31WriteNow)

As promised, here are my (somewhat) final thoughts on believing I can be anything.

This morning, I had a phone call with a support coach to help me with my business. I’ve been frustrated for a long while about where it is and the results I’ve gotten and after some soul-searching, I realize it was the same frustration that was at my job and in relationships and everything. Basically, there has historically been a disconnect between how people saw me and how they treated me. And I mean ALL people.

Including myself.

It is in this disconnect that the frustration has festered and grown BUT it is in this frustration that I have decided to want a new life. As my Life Coach AND my Support Coach (two different people) have said before, “If there is a desire, the Universe works to present an opportunity.” Seriously, they both said this! In being anything, I desire to be everything that I’ve ever wanted to be.

I want to be:

  • Wealthy
  • An example of prosperity and abundance
  • Content with life as it is
  • Grateful for everything that comes my way
  • A doctor (in the philosophical sense)
  • An AWESOME daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, friend, etc.
  • A wife
  • A mother
  • An example to others that they can get out of debt and STAY OUT of debt
  • Stylish
  • Confident
  • A successful business
  • A successful businesswoman
  • Sociable
  • Worldly (someone who travels a lot)
  • Fluent in two more languages (Italian and maybe Arabic; the third language is up for grabs lol)
  • Healthy
  • A marathon runner
  • Well-read (I love books!)
  • Someone who reaches the goals she sets for herself
  • Compassionate
  • Understood
  • Loved
  • Mentally healthy
  • Someone who has grieved the loss of loved ones in a healthy sense so I can move on and develop/strengthen relationships with people who are here
  • A mentor
  • A mentee
  • An example to people that they can make it too and someone who provides tools (I sometimes feel that’s what I missed in the healing process)
  • A known blogger for Young, Gifted, Black & Broke
  • A writer
  • AWESOME

I know that bringing this list to fruition will take some serious self-reflection and some serious internal work with building a new mindset and developing new habits but I’m up for the challenge. What’s exciting about this (and scary all at the same time) is that people have also shared that I’ve only touched upon the tip of my potential. There’s so much more there.

Let’s see where this journey takes me next. Cheers!

I Want Regular Problems

Today on Twitter, I began to lament my life.

Okay. That is really dramatic. I actually just began to harp on the fact that I don’t have regular people problems. I’m a Regular Person, so I really don’t understand why I’m not privy to this “perk” of life. Instead, I’m subjected to some Murphy’s Law (sidenote: when I began this blog, it was to bring to light my deepest intellectual thoughts; however, since I’m subjected to much from the Universe, I’ve just decided to blog my life).

See, this all started as a joke back when I was an undergrad at Central Michigan University. I was a McNair scholar and was working feverishly to finish my independent research project. As luck would have it, I dropped my laptop on the floor and it stopped working (read: I lost data source #1), then my flash drive broke (read: I lost backup of data or data source #2), and as luck would have it, my school decided to update the NVivo program on all of the computers and I couldn’t open data source #3. So I had to start over.

A week before my deadline.

Don’t worry, I got it done, but I also picked up a new nickname from my cohort — Murphy.

Since then, things that can go wrong, will go wrong. Very wrong.

And this is the story with my Blackberry. In short:

My Blackberry begins to act weird a few weeks ago and I thought it wouldn’t hold a charge, so I bought a new charger. Then 3 days ago, my Blackberry wouldn’t charge at all. As such, it died (to never turn on again). I go through all of this crap with riding the bus (I don’t have a car) to the mall (the nearest Sprint store) to be told, “Oh we can’t fix your phone. Go to another store.” Seeing as I’m on a limited income (read: my Momma gives me bus money), I had to wait another day to go to said “repair store.” Now, here is the saga:

My Mom says, “Sweetie, do you want to drive?” Now, I don’t like driving. I have really bad anxiety and I’m afraid that I’ll panic and something will go wrong. But because my Mom asked this question with that undertone that says, “You are driving, this is not an option,” I say, “Sure.” So we’re off. We go to drive. Now, I had an interview on yesterday afternoon, so I was already panicky. Go to my interview, do well, and drive to the Sprint store.

I get to the light to turn into the strip mall and it’s red. It stays red. There are about 14 cars behind me and this light has not changed…at all. So, I turn. Because well…there are 14 cars (and counting) behind me and the lady directly behind me is making all of these crazy hand gestures. The result — I get pulled over.

Now,  I sweetly go to park and the cop says, “Ma’am, do you realize that you ran a red light?” I say, “Yeah, about that. It’s not working.” As I look up, the damn light changes! To make a long story short, I just put my head on the steering wheel and waited as he wrote out the citation. Because, what else can you do?

Then I get out of the car to walk into the store and I almost get hit by this car. That’s speeding in the damn parking lot. Does the cop say anything to that driver? No. Of course not. However, the driver was sexified…so my shallow ass forgave him (and got his phone number).

But the kicker…the kicker was being told that the store could in fact NOT help me and that I had to file an online claim.

My only question is — Can I send this ticket to Sprint?