A Glimpse Into My Life

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Tag Archives: Forgiveness

When Closure Sounds Like Grief (A Response to Adele’s Hello)

The internet has completely lost its mind after hearing Adele’s newest song, “Hello.” Remaining true to her style, Adele released a song that had everyone saying, “OOOOOOOOOH MY GAWD!!!!” for a host of reasons. When I listened, I felt happiness so I thought I everyone else did too.

Oddly enough, it wasn’t until I was on Twitter yesterday when I realized that most felt a bit sorrowful. After seeing people’s reactions, I realized exactly why the lady in Walgreens looked at me like I was a complete nutcase. On the aisle right in front of the cereal marked two for $5, a woman said, “Excuse me? Who are you listening to?” I said Adele and she replied, “I thought so. It’s a good song. You must really like it.” This lady was worried because I happily sang/hum along to the beautiful music coming through my earbuds.

Who happily sings along to an Adele song outside of people who are plotting payback for the ex that broke their heart?

People who recognize that sometimes closure sounds and feels like grief.

So back to last night!

I shared that this song wasn’t really sad. Adele just has a voice that holds depth…like deeeeeeep depth. You hear Adele sing ANYTHING and whatever you thought you got over shows up like “NAH! YOU DIDN’T!” At this point, you’re left with only one choice – you have to ride with it. While cowering in the corner of your shower. And sobbing (like a G, of course).

That is…until yesterday. Hello is the song that everyone wishes to sing to their old self. It’s the conversation we wish would desperately get a response. This is when you want to say, “I’m sorry!” but you feel like you can’t. It’s when you live with willingly live with a regret that you don’t have to because you think approaching that pain would be too much to bear.

The thing Hello reminds us is there is just one person that can give you the response you NEED when it comes to moving forward from deep pain – You. So I wrote myself a letter (by changing the lyrics).

***

Hello.

It’s me. I’m surprised that after all this time you feel grief. There’s no need to go over anything. It’s true that Time Will Heal All Wounds and you’ve done much healing.

Hello.

I hope you hear me. I know that you spend time dreaming about who we’d used to be. When we were younger and wished for peace. I still remember how we felt when our world crumbled at our feet.

But I see the difference between us…and I’m glad you smile now.

Hello from the Other Side. I must have called a thousand times to tell you I forgive you for everything that you’ve done. But when I called you never answered at all. Hello from the Inside! I know that you tried. I know you wished you never broke my heart but it doesn’t matter. It clearly doesn’t tear me apart anymore.

Hello.

How are you? It’s so typical of you to dwell on the past when there’s no need. I see that you’re well and I know you made it out of that hell and now look what has happened! It’s no reason to ever feel like we’re running out of time.

Hello from the Other Side. I must have called a thousand times to tell you I love you for everything that you’ve done. But when I call you never want to pick up. Hello from the Inside! I really see how hard you’ve tried. No need for sorry for what you think you’ve done. I love you. Please don’t let it tear you apart anymore.

***

What’s the one thing you wish you had the courage to say to yourself?

Click here to hear Adele’s new song Hello if you’ve managed to make your home under a rock and haven’t heard it yet.

Realization Number 1: Forgiveness For Myself (#31WriteNow)

This very great thing happens when you are left alone with nothing to do really.

You think.

You think about everything. You think about everything and some more. Then you start thinking (well, remembering really) about things you thought you forgot and these are the most powerful moments of thinking because in there is a decision inside of them.

Earlier this morning, I was doing Day 9 of the 21-Day Meditation Challenge with the Chopra Center. The focus on this challenge is Miraculous Relationships and it’s been pretty great so far. The centering thought was “My loving truth shines for all to see” and I tell you that today was a particularly intense meditation.

Intense and light…if that makes sense.

At one point, it felt like I’d stopped breathing but was breathing all at the same time and I’ve never felt that before. But it was also in this point that I was hit with the thought, “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney?” See…and that’s the way my rude brain works (LOL). Here I am breathing deeply in and breathing deeply out after centering myself and emptying my thoughts and here my brain wants to be pushy-pushy with the “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney?” I finished my meditation after pushing that thought away and decided I wanted to listen to Tamar Braxton’s song, “The One” and as I am absolutely enjoying my lip-syncing moment, my brain again says, “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney? Did you ever forgive that man who hurt you?”

Uh….no.

Okay, okay, okay. So after one dramatic eye-roll, I decide to make myself up a forgiveness list. I got the idea to write on the top of paper “My Forgiveness List” and then skipped two lines and wrote the Universal Law of Karma, which says:

“Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. Choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others ensures the flow of happiness and success to you.”

Now, I would love to mention here that I don’t know at all where the idea to write the Law of Karma came from…but I’ve been told that one of my Spirit Angels is Athena (with the other two being Sulis and Isis) and from what I know of her/them, they are NOTHING to play with. So I’ve just gotten into the habit of following my intuition and the little nudges I get from my Spirit. After that, I decided to find an affirmation on forgiveness that I’d say aloud and write at the end of each Forgiveness Note before putting away in a box (or burning — I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet). As I’m looking for the affirmation that speaks to me, I am suddenly hit with the thought, “Find one that talks about self forgiveness. That’s why you’re doing this.”

My reaction, “Oh really?”

Now I said that OUT LOUD…and if you know nothing about Athena, Sulis, and Isis….well, know that one is like gangsta gangsta “Girl….you know what you need to be doing so STOP asking questions. Sheesh, I’m right here” and the other two are like, “We don’t take mess and we raise people from the dead and we ain’t nothing to eff with” (cue Kendrick Lamar’s “Ronald Reagan Era” because that’s the ONLY song that fits these three). After saying OUT LOUD, “Oh really?” this nudge from my spirit was like, “Girl! Don’t play with us!”

So I said, “Okay.”

But then I realized the significance of forgiveness. Like, I’ve moved from understanding to KNOWING. Forgiveness is never about the person you are forgiving and it’s all about you. It became easier to write my forgiveness list the moment I wrote down my forgiveness affirmation:

As I forgive myself, it becomes easier to forgive others.

Just getting people on the list makes me feel lighter and I am really starting to feel that centering thought is authentic to my being and personality:

My loving truth shines for all to see.

If you’d like to join the 21-Day Meditation Challenge, visit Chopra Meditation Center.

A Dream of Forgiveness

Last night, I read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho.

Not a very major statement because I’m always reading some book. However, I had a very major moment.

This book reminded me of having a conversation with a wise loved one over hot chocolate. Actually, I wouldn’t even call it a conversation; I’d call it a lesson where they periodically ask you questions to see if you’ve been paying attention. For me, the book served as a form of therapy because I’ve been dealing with grief and the loss of loved ones. Something I wondered was — “What would they say to me if they were here right now?”

I read this book. I even cried on some parts. The young shepherd was me. The people whom he interacted with were also parts of me (does that make sense?) and that’s why I cried. I saw myself unfolding on these pages. I heard my soul whisper to me and say, “See? It is ok. You can do all of these things too. You can LIVE and LOVE! And it will be enough for you.”

But that’s not all. I also had a dream last night.

Once I finished the book, I felt peace. As though, my Soul was finally saying, “You’re ready. It’s time. You will make it.” It’s big for me because I can’t ever remembering feeling a peace like that. I went to sleep and I had a dream.

In this dream, all of the characters were me. I wondered into a house, a nondescript house, but one I felt I’d been in all of my life. There was such a familiarity there that I wanted to stay in that moment always. There were four people there – a very young girl (5-7 years old), a teenager (15-17 years old), a young woman (35-40 years old), and an older woman (60+ years old). I didn’t realize it until now, but every woman in my dream was me.

The one I spoke to the most was the younger me. She was in a room with furniture much like I’d had as a young girl. A daybed pushed to the side, a chest at the foot of the bed, a few dolls, and books. Lots and lots of books. She played with her back to the door because she trusted the space that she was in. She feared nothing here because she realized she was loved and protected. On the girl, I recognized the dress she wore as she play — it was a favorite of mine that I used to wear often, until something caused me to close it up in the chest.

Our conversation was simple. Heavy but simple.

She turned around and she asked me, “Do you believe in God?” My answer was, “Yes.” She then said, “As you should. Why do you believe in God?” My answer was, “Because God is around me.” She said, “Is God around or within you?” I paused.

And she stopped playing.

I always had a knack for asking questions like this. So I said, “God is within me.” She said, “If you believe that God is within you, why do you hurt yourself over things you couldn’t control?” Her voice changed. It went from one of childlike wonder to one of hurt and despair to one of confidence and finally one of wisdom. Her voice changed, but she didn’t. “God is within you so that you can move forward.”

I was stunned.

Here I’ve been reliving the most hurtful part of past in the simple things I’d do everyday. I told myself that I was always working towards protecting myself. Now I realize it’s been holding me back. Trust issues permeated everything I would attempt to do because I convinced myself that if family couldn’t look out for me, then no one would. I was all I had.

This was a falsity. I had more than myself because I was more than myself. I had the spirit of God within me.

Then I realized something else — the funny thing about living and being human is that you’ll suffer needlessly if you really attempt to live life alone. We aren’t designed for that, yet we’ve convinced ourselves that we can make it alone. The lesson here is there will always something that you need to have BUT you don’t have the means to get it yourself. Usually your Neighbor has it.

So ask.Stop worrying about what you can’t control.

Stop protecting yourself from events you’ve already lived through. History only repeats itself when you allow it to — and you’re saying to your Present that you don’t care anything about it when you focus on your Past.

The Little Girl in my dream told me to stop hurting myself over things I couldn’t control. Then she came to me, gave me a hug, and told me I was ready to live my life. She was proud of me because I always remembered her. In this moment I forgave myself and truly realized that I have forgiveness in my heart.

As I realized a moment ago, the ongoing lesson from the Universe is “You WILL have everything you want BUT only when you’re willing to give up what you don’t need.”

Let go of the pain. You have a life of love waiting for you.