A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Tag Archives: Emotional Baggage

When Closure Sounds Like Grief (A Response to Adele’s Hello)

The internet has completely lost its mind after hearing Adele’s newest song, “Hello.” Remaining true to her style, Adele released a song that had everyone saying, “OOOOOOOOOH MY GAWD!!!!” for a host of reasons. When I listened, I felt happiness so I thought I everyone else did too.

Oddly enough, it wasn’t until I was on Twitter yesterday when I realized that most felt a bit sorrowful. After seeing people’s reactions, I realized exactly why the lady in Walgreens looked at me like I was a complete nutcase. On the aisle right in front of the cereal marked two for $5, a woman said, “Excuse me? Who are you listening to?” I said Adele and she replied, “I thought so. It’s a good song. You must really like it.” This lady was worried because I happily sang/hum along to the beautiful music coming through my earbuds.

Who happily sings along to an Adele song outside of people who are plotting payback for the ex that broke their heart?

People who recognize that sometimes closure sounds and feels like grief.

So back to last night!

I shared that this song wasn’t really sad. Adele just has a voice that holds depth…like deeeeeeep depth. You hear Adele sing ANYTHING and whatever you thought you got over shows up like “NAH! YOU DIDN’T!” At this point, you’re left with only one choice – you have to ride with it. While cowering in the corner of your shower. And sobbing (like a G, of course).

That is…until yesterday. Hello is the song that everyone wishes to sing to their old self. It’s the conversation we wish would desperately get a response. This is when you want to say, “I’m sorry!” but you feel like you can’t. It’s when you live with willingly live with a regret that you don’t have to because you think approaching that pain would be too much to bear.

The thing Hello reminds us is there is just one person that can give you the response you NEED when it comes to moving forward from deep pain – You. So I wrote myself a letter (by changing the lyrics).

***

Hello.

It’s me. I’m surprised that after all this time you feel grief. There’s no need to go over anything. It’s true that Time Will Heal All Wounds and you’ve done much healing.

Hello.

I hope you hear me. I know that you spend time dreaming about who we’d used to be. When we were younger and wished for peace. I still remember how we felt when our world crumbled at our feet.

But I see the difference between us…and I’m glad you smile now.

Hello from the Other Side. I must have called a thousand times to tell you I forgive you for everything that you’ve done. But when I called you never answered at all. Hello from the Inside! I know that you tried. I know you wished you never broke my heart but it doesn’t matter. It clearly doesn’t tear me apart anymore.

Hello.

How are you? It’s so typical of you to dwell on the past when there’s no need. I see that you’re well and I know you made it out of that hell and now look what has happened! It’s no reason to ever feel like we’re running out of time.

Hello from the Other Side. I must have called a thousand times to tell you I love you for everything that you’ve done. But when I call you never want to pick up. Hello from the Inside! I really see how hard you’ve tried. No need for sorry for what you think you’ve done. I love you. Please don’t let it tear you apart anymore.

***

What’s the one thing you wish you had the courage to say to yourself?

Click here to hear Adele’s new song Hello if you’ve managed to make your home under a rock and haven’t heard it yet.

Advertisements

Dump That Baggage

The other night before bed as I was listening to my favorite Angel Card Reader Michelle P. on YouTube, I was struck with this image of someone struggling to let go of something material. Immediately, the image of the traveler who overpacked their luggage became super clear. And I had to laugh.

The reason? This is me and so many of y’all. We are so content with being that Weary Traveler that we are willing to miss the journey of a lifetime because we (vehemently) refuse to throw away something that can be replaced with another AMAZING thing!

In life, we hold on to problems and issues that have already been solved (again, I am SUPER guilty of this). We fear that we didn’t get the right answer from the lesson and/or we did not like the outcome. Instead of accepting things as they are, I’m talking really accepting it, we continue to play our “hurts” over and over and over and over and over adammgain. Now, this isn’t to minimize the very real aggression against our person that can happen, it’s to point out that many times, we are the very roadblock to our own blessings.

Another image that popped into my head is that of a fisherman who caught too much for his little boat. As he starts to row toward shore, he realizes his boat is sinking. Rather than throw back some of the fish, he attempts to save his boat by using a pail to remove water from the boat and put it back in the ocean.

So what’s the message? Like the weary traveler and the fisherman, we are willing to forego amazing experiences because we want to hold on to what’s in front of us AND what’s inside of us. We’ll be taken care of, not just during the trip, but at our destination. But we refuse to realize that and try to rearrange our baggage to trick “karma” into thinking we are ready for the something amazing. Yet that’s not how it works.

So our lesson? Let it go. Those problems have been handled and we are already healed. Don’t be afraid to throw away what you don’t need because you are comfortable with it always being there.

I say this with love – LET IT GO! And watch, as my Mom says, it get greater later.

~Ms C. Jayné

Realization: I Wasn’t Mad at My Mom

Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse/Molestation

Once upon a time, I was very angry. For a long time, I just assumed I was angry with my parents, specifically my Mom. You see, when I was very young, I was left with an older cousin who was tasked with the responsibility of watching me. This wasn’t out of the ordinary as she had done it before. On this particular day, she decided to tell me about strangers and how “bad” some of them could be. She wanted me to be sure that I would tell when someone touched me inappropriately. She demonstrated the particular acts on a stuffed bear first, and then me. She wanted to be sure that I knew what to look out for.

Since then, I felt ashamed. I told and it was handled but I still felt “not right.” An already quiet child, I became even quieter. I would choose to spend time with my books and fall into stories such as “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” because those spaces were safer and folks just left me alone. The more I developed, the more intense my need to be alone became.

The other day, while meditating and working through one of my sessions in the Unlimited Abundance program, it hit me out of nowhere that much of the shame I felt over not being good enough was a result of that molestation. In this session, Christie Marie Sheldon spoke on where we felt aches in our bodies. If they were on the right side, we had problems with masculine energy or men. If they were on the left, we had problems with feminine energy or women.

The moment she mentioned this, it felt as though a hot iron had been pressed into my back. Following her directions, I thought of my Mom and worked to delete the story there but to no avail. Then I thought about all of the other women in my life right on down to my first fifth grade teacher (who did not like me very much).

Still…nothing.

Then I thought of the first time I ever felt insignificant and realized it was because of my cousin’s action. Since then, I’ve followed that meditation to continue to let go of that and I’ve felt great. I know that I still have some work to do with respect to ever being around her (I doubt it will happen) and the other issues that were tied to that episode of molestation. Perhaps the greatest thing was realizing that I’m not upset at my Mom. For a long time, I couldn’t place if I was angry with her since she was the custodial parent.

I now understand that I was angry in general because I was hurt and ashamed. It feels good to say that. I wasn’t angry with my parents, especially not my Mom.

Honesty Is the ONLY Policy

The past nine days have been intensely emotional. That’s the sentence that captures exactly what I’ve been going through. For the past three years, I’ve been on a personal journey to clear myself of negative energy and release toxic emotions from my being. It’s not easy and at times, this process of clearing energy moves way slower than I want it to.

On Sunday night, I had a particular experience that led me to watch a recorded episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass (this one had Bishop T.D. Jakes as a guest and took place at MegaFest). After about 17 minutes, I found myself asking, “WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?” While the focus was on “fatherless children,” there was something that struck me about the pain of having an absent parent. For a while (and this is a story I won’t get into — gotta save something for my tell-all autobiography), I’ve buried the pain of being the child that was overlooked and abused and forgotten about. The thought that came to mind about why I’ve remained wounded in life was that, “Even if people do the best that they could have done, it doesn’t lessen the hurt.”

That statement is true. It doesn’t lessen the sting of being at a Family Reunion (on my Dad’s side) and having to be introduced to family members only to overhear one of them say, “I thought he only had one daughter.” To be an outsider was hard.

And I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to feel the opposite of that. I’ve found myself in situations where I’ve essentially done things because I knew that for a fleeting moment, I’d be the one that they (my parents) would have to pay attention to. Then I read something on Monday morning that talked about letting go of hurts and the biggest impediment to doing so. Before I got to the end of the paragraph and had a major “AHA!” moment, I was sure that the impediment was going to be something like, “We can’t get over our hurts because people won’t acknowledge that we can feel the same way.” That thought process is something like, “You want me to extend my empathy to you but you can’t do that for me.” That’s blaming. That doesn’t work.

That was also NOT the answer.

The biggest impediment to getting through our hurts is that we ask the question, “Why?” The answer is very simple, “Because they could.” It doesn’t mean that they meant it intentionally. It doesn’t mean that they thought less of you. It doesn’t mean that they set out to contribute to the misery in your existence. It just happened. And it happened because they behaved in a way that they could.

With that being said, I’ll share that this realization brought about the biggest sigh of relief and then the largest cloud of panic I’ve been engulfed in since I watched an apartment burn to the ground. For me, I felt good because it suddenly clicked that I’m amazing and that I’ve always been amazing. On the other hand, it was absolutely terrifying because I realized that (1) I haven’t been living in my fullest potential AND (2) if I live in my potential and embrace the amazing and succeed, it would mean that I was the reason life has been so difficult in the past few years.

I decided to call this post “Honesty is the ONLY policy” because it means that I can do things that I’ve always wanted to do because I approach life with a zeal and understanding that I deserve the good things. And that’s okay. But I also realized four things:

  1. I am at an exciting time in my life.
  2. I choose to stand in my authenticity.
  3. I am all of that and MORE!
  4. My past gave me the foundation to be great. Not mediocre. GREAT!

With this new policy, taking on my baggage doesn’t seem as scary. I can only come out better anyway.

Have you had a moment that changed the way you thought about yourself? If so, share in the comments.