A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Tag Archives: 31 Write Now

Single Black Female: Is Something Wrong With You? (#31WriteNow)

NOTE: This was a private post written in 2010. Funny…it still applies even though I’m 27. I decided to update it and share it with some of my more current thoughts (in italics).

***

I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard that question or how often I’ve heard it hidden within some other backwards compliment, but I hear it often. It’s now to the point where I change subjects rather skillfully (if I’m up to the challenge) or I forget all of my Southern upbringing and charm classes and cuss someone out.

Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m a Black woman. No, there is nothing wrong with me.

I understand why people become so up in arms when I take the opportunity to describe myself. It usually goes something like this:

“Oh, I’m 23 (now 27). I have my BS and MA. I hope to go on for my PhD. I want to work in Education (the policy/administration side…not teaching). I hope to…” and so forth and so on. However, in taking the time to describe myself I face these questions later:

1. Do you have a boyfriend/Are you courting? No./No.

2. Why don’t you have a boyfriend? I don’t leave my house? I don’t know.

3. What are you going to do with all that education? Use it.

4. Don’t you know a woman’s place? Yes. It’s her address right?

(Updated Note: I’m probably single because I have a smart mouth and unintentional snark.)

Wait…whoa…what in the fudge sticks?!?!

You see, when I get around family and this topic is always brought up, I’m left feeling like an outcast. Of most of my cousins from 15-26 that identify as a “woman,” I’m one of TWO that are single/uncoupled (three years later and it still applies). That can be a self-esteem killer, and until recently, it was.

I had an interesting conversation with a Sista of mine. She posed the two questions: “What are 10 ways a man could charm you?” “What are 10 ways a man trying to charm you would annoy you?” I gave her my reasons and quite honestly, it was an eye-opener for me (I’m actually going to answer these questions for myself again). The more that I thought about it, the more I thought about how these things impact my “dating” life. I mean, it’s really hard to walk around as a young, seemingly successful, Black woman who is single AND remain confident in yourself when there are so many things out there telling you why you’re still a failure. There are “experts” who release books on why Black women can’t get, keep, and marry a (Black) man. There are nightly “specials” that devote time to harp on the connections we make with each other, our accolades, and then pose the question (usually by non-Black people) why can’t we find, keep, and marry a (successful Black) man. (Sidenote: HA! I’m watching One-On-One and would you know, this is an episode about how a successful Black woman has managed to step on a Black man’s ego and that’s why she lost him).

I say one thing to these specials and experts:

Spare me the story of the tragic Black woman that happens to be successful and goes to sleep alone at night because she can’t find a successful Black man. And here’s why.

I’m 23 (now 27). I’m (still) being told that I need to start looking for a man. I need to settle down and have some babies (okay…now I want to. Then I wasn’t ready). That’s great. It’d be nice if I weren’t alone (if only it would cut down the chatter at my family reunions) and it’d be nice if I knew of multiple successful Black men aged 22-27 (let’s move this on up to 27-33-ish or something) looking to settle down. The fact is, they aren’t. MEN MY AGE ARE NOT LOOKING TO SETTLE DOWN (hmmm…this isn’t true so much anymore cuz I’m older now). Besides the countless male friends that I have (okay, 6 so as not to sound like a floozy), I also have 5 brothers that were raised by BOTH parents to play the field and put women through the wringer before they put a ring on anything.

So yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m Black. Yes, I’m a woman.

And there is nothing wrong with me….. I still want a boo though. LOL

You Can Be Anything!!! – pt. 2 (#31WriteNow)

As promised, here are my (somewhat) final thoughts on believing I can be anything.

This morning, I had a phone call with a support coach to help me with my business. I’ve been frustrated for a long while about where it is and the results I’ve gotten and after some soul-searching, I realize it was the same frustration that was at my job and in relationships and everything. Basically, there has historically been a disconnect between how people saw me and how they treated me. And I mean ALL people.

Including myself.

It is in this disconnect that the frustration has festered and grown BUT it is in this frustration that I have decided to want a new life. As my Life Coach AND my Support Coach (two different people) have said before, “If there is a desire, the Universe works to present an opportunity.” Seriously, they both said this! In being anything, I desire to be everything that I’ve ever wanted to be.

I want to be:

  • Wealthy
  • An example of prosperity and abundance
  • Content with life as it is
  • Grateful for everything that comes my way
  • A doctor (in the philosophical sense)
  • An AWESOME daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, friend, etc.
  • A wife
  • A mother
  • An example to others that they can get out of debt and STAY OUT of debt
  • Stylish
  • Confident
  • A successful business
  • A successful businesswoman
  • Sociable
  • Worldly (someone who travels a lot)
  • Fluent in two more languages (Italian and maybe Arabic; the third language is up for grabs lol)
  • Healthy
  • A marathon runner
  • Well-read (I love books!)
  • Someone who reaches the goals she sets for herself
  • Compassionate
  • Understood
  • Loved
  • Mentally healthy
  • Someone who has grieved the loss of loved ones in a healthy sense so I can move on and develop/strengthen relationships with people who are here
  • A mentor
  • A mentee
  • An example to people that they can make it too and someone who provides tools (I sometimes feel that’s what I missed in the healing process)
  • A known blogger for Young, Gifted, Black & Broke
  • A writer
  • AWESOME

I know that bringing this list to fruition will take some serious self-reflection and some serious internal work with building a new mindset and developing new habits but I’m up for the challenge. What’s exciting about this (and scary all at the same time) is that people have also shared that I’ve only touched upon the tip of my potential. There’s so much more there.

Let’s see where this journey takes me next. Cheers!

Reflections On the 21-Day Meditation Challenge (#31WriteNow)

I did it! I’m so proud of myself for completing the 21-Day Meditation Challenge on “Miraculous Relationships” hosted by Deepak Chopra with the assistance of one of my FAVORITE personalities, Oprah Winfrey. While this wasn’t my first meditation challenge I’ve signed up for, it was the FIRST one I’ve completed and did the days in order (read: I didn’t skip or miss days). This challenge was three weeks of internal work to build Miraculous Relationships and I believe that it was well worth it.

Relationships, in general, are something I struggle with. Even with my closest ties to people, I feel inauthentic in many of my interactions. There is always a mask to be worn because I fear that I won’t be accepted if I truly share with people who I am, how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. The older I get and the more I choose to do some internal work, the better I understand that I’ve developed this style of interacting with others as a coping mechanism. This stems not only from the abuse I endured when I was younger but also as a result of witnessing how people treat others who are vulnerable.

Ultimately, I want to get to a place where I KNOW I can be myself and this challenge was the first step. It’s exhausting (for me) to pretend to be someone I’m not. It’s hard for me to play the “I’m alright” card when I know I’m not.  At this point in my life, I’m starting to grasp that I have no more expendable energy to keep up a façade so that others feel absolutely comfortable with me. But that’s not what this post is about (I’ve actually scheduled a post for later this week on expectations and acceptance). This particular post is about finishing a challenge and the BIG thing I learned.

I just have to say this again – I FINISHED a 21-Day Meditation Challenge and this makes me proud!

What doesn’t make me proud is that after turning a mirror onto myself, I realized that I have a problem seeing things to the end. I can set an awesome goal and even outline a very doable plan but for some reason, the follow-through isn’t quit there. This realization is scary because I have major dreams and goals that require a precise attention to detail and most importantly, following through.

The good news though is that I’ve decided to kill two birdies with one stone (sidenote: I do not like this saying but it fits). From now through the end of September, I’ve chosen to focus meticulously on (1) understanding myself and the way I function and (2) developing new techniques and habits so that my goals are reached. I’ve asked three people to be my “accountability buddy” and I’ll be sharing with them my goals on a weekly basis and the progress I’ve made on each one. In addition to that, I’ve decided to seriously study just about every aspect of myself using various tools like spiritual reading plans, astrological information (at some point, I’ll share my reactions to my Natal Chart) and good old trial-and-error.

Moving forward, I want to build a foundation that best protects me from extra stress in my life while I reach for my goals (I mention protection here because setbacks and failures are inevitable). I’m absolutely glad that I made the decision to stick with this challenge because I can already feel a difference in how I relate to myself. I’ll use the excitement and confidence I got from completing a challenge to begin this process of self-actualization and I’m eager to share what I learn along the way.

What challenges have you completed that you are proud of?

You Can Be Anything!!! – pt. 1 (#31WriteNow)

The other day, while clearing out some things, I ran across a folder of assignments and work that my Mom has kept for years. My first thought was, “How in the hell did this shit get in here?”

Excuse the language…y’all. I’ve just been frustrated about being the dumping ground for everyone’s stuff for a while.

So as I’m looking through this folder, I came across an assignment my Brothers (they are twins) did in the first grade. The assignment was a worksheet filled with prompts and they had to finish a sentence and then draw a matching picture. Seriously, what they came up with was CUTE!

One brother was like, “When I grow up, I want to be a… dinosore astronot (dinosaur astronaut)!” The picture he drew with it was equally cute — it was literally a dinosaur as a rocket (he must have learned about animal rights later on) and he was in a space suit. It was literally awesome…but what made it more awesome was that he got an “A” for completing the assignment (even if his answers didn’t make sense because they didn’t). The only feedback he received on his assignment was that the teacher corrected the spelling of his creatively spelled words.

But that made me think about all of the things I’ve ever wanted to be and all of the things I used to find joy in doing that I don’t anymore. At what point did I start to believe that I couldn’t be anything I wanted?

Somewhere along the line, I started to settle for what made other people comfortable and I don’t like it. While I reading my Brother’s dream from first grade, I remembered being on the bus in tenth grade once. I was singing along to a song (to myself) and a “friend” of mine encouraged me to sing it louder only to say that I wasn’t good at all and laugh [another friend told me that I didn’t sound bad at all and asked why I was in Talented at Visual Arts (or TaVA)]. But what stuck with me was the negative thought/feedback I received from a friend.

I have been needing a little bit of a push to finish my Personal Statement for my PhD applications and I thought of this as that negative memory played back. With that, I’ve decided to take a moment to just be my First Grade self again…and write out everything I want to be because I can be anything!

I’ll be back tomorrow to share it. 🙂

Would You Be Ready? (#31WriteNow)

WHAT?!?! A double-post! Girl what?!?!? lol

For whatever reason, my creative juices are just flowing TODAY. I’m not mad. Nope. I’m gonna ride this wave until it drops me off wherever and I think y’all will appreciate this very short (and to the point) post.

Earlier today, I was doing my regular stuff I’ve been doing since August 18th (job searching, business building, tweeting, facebooking, tumbling, etc.) and the biggest “AHA!” hit me in the face. As I was searching for a position I deemed worthy of being considered by me, I came across a listing that was posted by someone I’m quite familiar with. As I looked at it (and determined I’m not interested in applying for it), I remembered something she told me a LONG time ago:

“I appreciate the attention you pay to detail. It shows you’ll be ready for whatever happens next.”

Here’s why it was an “AHA!” moment: IF anyone called me and said, “Courtney! HURRY UP AND GET TO ABC COMPANY IN THE NEXT 17 MINUTES! They are holding interviews for this position that I said you’d be perfect for and they are willing to talk to you now!” I would not be ready to go. Speaking frankly, I don’t think I’d be ready if someone called and said that opportunity was available for the next four days. I’m not ready. My hair isn’t done. My laundry isn’t done. And I’ve just been downright sad (I mean, rightfully so…but still…I gotta get out of this).

So today I made the decision to get ready and I’m going to start by (painfully) doing my hair. Clearly my life doesn’t move until I show I AM ready. I’ve been saying it long enough. Now to prove it.

If the opportunity of a lifetime presented itself to you, would you be ready? If not, what do you have to do to get ready?

20 Questions with @FromRaeWithLove (#31WriteNow)

Every Wednesday, @FromRaeWithLove shares 20 questions with her TL/followers. These questions are awesome and you get to learn a lot about people you’re following. As a bonus, you get to follow more like-minded people that you may otherwise have never known about. Last Wednesday (Aug. 14th, 2013), I didn’t participate in #20WithRae because I was NOT feeling well at all. But I asked @FromRaeWithLove if I could blog about it and she told me that I sure could. So see my answers below!

Q1. Do you have a blog? Topic? #20withRae

Yes. I have two blogs! One has a very personal focus (MissCJayne). The other is chronicling my journey in breaking the cycle of poverty and building wealth for myself (Young, Gifted, Black & Broke).

Q2. How long have you been writing/creating? #20withRae

I’ve been writing since I was in the 2nd grade. I used to get in “trouble” all of the time for writing little stories in the margins of my tests because I would finish early. Most of the remarks from my teachers included things like, “I don’t know how she keeps up with the work if she’s daydreaming, doodling and writing other things. She doesn’t stay on task.” LOL

However, there was a period in time where I didn’t take it seriously. Recent events have been pushing me to get back into writing seriously.

Q3. Who are your mentors? #20withRae

Hmm, I don’t know if I have any mentors. I do know that I look up to my childhood friend Christiana Harrell, a self-published author who just LOVES to write and shares her gift with everyone. She describes her connection to writing in her bio on her website (linked above) by saying “Writing is my life. I don’t do it to make money. I do it because I enjoy it and I love the escape that comes with it. If I win awards with this gift that’s fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. At least, I’ll have left something behind.”

I know that I had a question that this one made me think of — how do you identify a mentor? 

Q4. Have you ever submitted your work to a literary journal or for a print mag? #20withRae

Once when I was younger (in the 4th to 6th grade), my Gifted and Talented teacher submitted my work to this compilation book called Gestures. My Mom still has copies of those books. Other than that, I haven’t (probably because I’m afraid of rejection and I have a LOT of self-doubt).

Q5. Would you write under a pen name? #20withRae

This blog is sorta under a pen name, so I guess I would. I think my name is a regular, run-of-the-mill name and doesn’t really stand out anyway. LOL

Q6. Where do you get your creative ideas from?  What inspires you most? #20withRae

Life. Most of my creative ideas come about when I’m fighting my way out of a depressive episode. Other than that, I look for writing prompts or I go outside. One time, I even rode the bus for an hour.

Q7. Do you write from life events?  Would you write about your family? #20withRae

I do write from life events and I would write about my family. The thing that gets tricky in writing about family members is that other people don’t get the full story. I’m always afraid that people are going to react harshly to the folks that are intensely important to me, so sometimes I’m a bit hesitant to write about them.

Q8.  How often do you write? #20withRae

I write a little bit every day. I journal more often now (it helps me to keep my sanity) and I blog on a regular basis.

Q9. What is the best environment for you to write/create in? Music? Day or night? Home or in a cafe? #20withRae

Inside. I get distracted when I’m outside. I use music if I’m in a sad mood because it helps to life my spirits and I can write a bit easier that way. I’m not sure if I’ve noticed an inclination to write in the day versus the night though. And home is always the best place to write for me. If I’m outside (library or cafe), then I end up people watching.

Q10. Does it matter to you if your friends read or care about your writing? #20withRae

I don’t care if they read or care about my writing. What bothers me is that sometimes they feel I’ve been unfair in the things that I say. But I just gently remind them that my writing, especially when it’s personal, is about how I experience life. It’s not about them and it’s hurtful that they would approach me in that manner. Now, I’m not sure if they read my writing at all.

Q11.  What is your ultimate writing goal? #20withRae

I would like to have written a book about my life (I have a lot to tell); I would like to have written a fictional piece (I think this #NaNoWriMo is going to be the one I finally finish what I start lol); and I’d like to be published in a popular magazine or on Oprah’s website. Seriously.

Q12. What writers on Twitter do you follow? #20withRae

I follow @StacyAustralia. But that’s all I know of that writes. Hmm, maybe I should ask people if they write. lol

Q13. What writer-driven hashtags do you follow on twitter?  What twitter chats for writers, creators? #20withRae

I don’t know of any. I plan to check back on the answers to this question though and start following them. lol

Q14. If you got a rejection letter from your favorite author or publication, how would you handle it? #20withRae

Me? Rejection?!? Oh…I’d cry. Like real tears. For maybe a day or two. Then I’d question why for approximately three days. Then I’d follow-up within a week to ask why and get feedback. Hopefully, they’d be open to giving feedback so I could make some changes and resubmit. Is that how this works? lol

Q15. How are you inspired by other creatives? #20withRae

I’m usually inspired by the way other creatives use words or art mediums. Do they use them differently or more traditionally? I’m also inspired by my friend @Aunt_Flo who makes jewelry…which now that I think about it, I wonder, is this weird? lol

Q16. Do you cross post with other bloggers? Where? #20withRae

No, I don’t. I’m not opposed to this idea; I just need to become better at being social.

Q17. Please list your recommendation for books writers should read – fiction or non-fiction.  Books that changed your life. #20withRae

I don’t know that I have any recommendations. But on the topic of books that changed my life, I will ALWAYS mention Mildred D. Taylor’s “Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry” and “Bridge to Terabithia” by Katherine Patterson. I love those books so much that if I ever had a child who said they didn’t like them, I’d send them away for a week and wonder how did I fail as a parent. LOL

Q18. Have you ever thought about attending a writer’s workshop? Which one? Did you apply? #20withRae

I haven’t but because of this question, I want to look into them now.

Q19. Would you self-publish? What platform? #20withRae

I think I would. I have to look into this though as I know nothing about it.

Q20. Where would you like to see your work in five years? #20withRae

RE: My Financial Story — On Oprah’s website. In Oprah’s magazine (or another popular magazine). Everything else? On a Best Seller’s List.

 

Cracked Mirrors and Broken Reflections (#31WriteNow)

Yesterday was hard.

There really isn’t any other way to describe it. I spent most of my day curled up in a ball and sleeping sitting up (at the same damn time). Some people know this about me and others don’t — I have an autoimmune disorder that for the better part of seven years has wrecked my life. And yesterday I was in pain.

To the point that my temperature would spike and I’d get dizzy and black out.

Yesterday was hard.

It was one of those days that I wanted to worry about ME ONLY and yet, other people’s shit still crept into my space. We had a relative that died (who told them to do that?!) and now we’re traveling out of town (do I really have to be there?). My Brother called me with his problems (say Slim…I don’t care and I can’t help you) and my Dad called me with what was bothering him (can’t you call someone else?). It got to the point that I turned my ringer off and just went to Twitter.

Yesterday was hard.

You see…Twitter is this weird coping thing for me. I don’t like my life currently (everything is bleak — but I’m having an episode so this could pass in a day or two) and I pretty much hate everything about myself (are other women losing their hair and their intestines are causing their abdomen to swell? I want to lose weight…why can’t I KEEP THIS SHIT OFF?!?!). I’m in between jobs and I run a small business (why can’t people respect ME as a business owner? They don’t barter the price of food at Whole Foods or Winn Dixie?) and I don’t know where my next meal is coming from or how the bills are going to get paid (my Life Coach tells me not to worry but other people rely on me).

Yesterday was hard.

So I went on Twitter. To cope. And Twitter made me mad (people are not as funny as they think they are). So I put my phone down after turning on music (I love this song “The One” but I don’t think of anyone when I listen to it. Will I always be alone?). After listening to the music play softly, I fell asleep. For a few hours and I was grateful.

After saying out loud, “Today was hard,” I just want to go to sleep.

And get up to a better tomorrow.

My life just feels wrong. And I’m tired of looking at a broken reflection in a cracked mirror.

I’m Not “Natural” For You (#31WriteNow)

This post has been sitting in my drafts. I decided to finally let it out because it seems appropriate.

I remember once upon a time telling a friend of mine that the most dangerous political stance I ever took (and continue to take daily) is asserting my personhood as a Black woman. There are so many instances in my life where I’m reminded of my “less than” status and I defiantly stand up against these things.

And I’m tired.

So that’s what this post is about. This post explains that I’m sick of the mess that gets thrown my way on an almost daily basis by men and women who mean well but don’t “do” well.

I have natural hair. What’s uncomfortable about my natural hair is hearing from people various comments, most of which have a “natural is ugly but if you want to have your hair ‘like that,’ then good for you but I’m not doing it” tone. That’s why I say people mean well but don’t do well. Initially, I was annoyed when I would hear things like “Natural hair isn’t for everyone” because there was always this feeling of natural isn’t good.

Unless you have good hair.

And by “good,” I really only mean hair that makes them comfortable. So I’m good in everyone’s books when my hair is pressed out or pinned away. That makes them comfortable.

Lately though, my hair has been falling out. Back in April, I had a procedure to remove uterine fibroids and an ovarian cyst. I am starting to think that part of the reason my hair is falling out is because of a hormone issue and my stress can’t be helping with this at all. With that being said, I’m cutting my hair. I think it will happen sometime in September.

Why wait?

Well, I want to cut it off completely. Into a fade. And I’m not confident enough to rock that look while looking for a job. I can own that about myself. But I’m also not comfortable with how people will receive me. I’ve already had friends tell me that they don’t think it’s right (one even went so far as to say I could hang up dating because no man wants to date a darker woman with a fade).

With all of this…I just want to scream to people, “I’m not natural for you!” I’m natural for me. It’s something I can afford and I like my hair. My NATURAL hair! This is the hair that I was given by my creator and it works for me.

I wish I could say though that the reception of other people doesn’t affect me though…because it does.

But at the end of the day, I’m not natural for you.

Maybe I’ll get a shirt that says this (don’t take my idea). lol

Realization Number 1: Forgiveness For Myself (#31WriteNow)

This very great thing happens when you are left alone with nothing to do really.

You think.

You think about everything. You think about everything and some more. Then you start thinking (well, remembering really) about things you thought you forgot and these are the most powerful moments of thinking because in there is a decision inside of them.

Earlier this morning, I was doing Day 9 of the 21-Day Meditation Challenge with the Chopra Center. The focus on this challenge is Miraculous Relationships and it’s been pretty great so far. The centering thought was “My loving truth shines for all to see” and I tell you that today was a particularly intense meditation.

Intense and light…if that makes sense.

At one point, it felt like I’d stopped breathing but was breathing all at the same time and I’ve never felt that before. But it was also in this point that I was hit with the thought, “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney?” See…and that’s the way my rude brain works (LOL). Here I am breathing deeply in and breathing deeply out after centering myself and emptying my thoughts and here my brain wants to be pushy-pushy with the “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney?” I finished my meditation after pushing that thought away and decided I wanted to listen to Tamar Braxton’s song, “The One” and as I am absolutely enjoying my lip-syncing moment, my brain again says, “Who do you need to forgive, Courtney? Did you ever forgive that man who hurt you?”

Uh….no.

Okay, okay, okay. So after one dramatic eye-roll, I decide to make myself up a forgiveness list. I got the idea to write on the top of paper “My Forgiveness List” and then skipped two lines and wrote the Universal Law of Karma, which says:

“Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. Choosing actions that bring happiness and success to others ensures the flow of happiness and success to you.”

Now, I would love to mention here that I don’t know at all where the idea to write the Law of Karma came from…but I’ve been told that one of my Spirit Angels is Athena (with the other two being Sulis and Isis) and from what I know of her/them, they are NOTHING to play with. So I’ve just gotten into the habit of following my intuition and the little nudges I get from my Spirit. After that, I decided to find an affirmation on forgiveness that I’d say aloud and write at the end of each Forgiveness Note before putting away in a box (or burning — I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet). As I’m looking for the affirmation that speaks to me, I am suddenly hit with the thought, “Find one that talks about self forgiveness. That’s why you’re doing this.”

My reaction, “Oh really?”

Now I said that OUT LOUD…and if you know nothing about Athena, Sulis, and Isis….well, know that one is like gangsta gangsta “Girl….you know what you need to be doing so STOP asking questions. Sheesh, I’m right here” and the other two are like, “We don’t take mess and we raise people from the dead and we ain’t nothing to eff with” (cue Kendrick Lamar’s “Ronald Reagan Era” because that’s the ONLY song that fits these three). After saying OUT LOUD, “Oh really?” this nudge from my spirit was like, “Girl! Don’t play with us!”

So I said, “Okay.”

But then I realized the significance of forgiveness. Like, I’ve moved from understanding to KNOWING. Forgiveness is never about the person you are forgiving and it’s all about you. It became easier to write my forgiveness list the moment I wrote down my forgiveness affirmation:

As I forgive myself, it becomes easier to forgive others.

Just getting people on the list makes me feel lighter and I am really starting to feel that centering thought is authentic to my being and personality:

My loving truth shines for all to see.

If you’d like to join the 21-Day Meditation Challenge, visit Chopra Meditation Center.

Hard Truths & Difficult Questions (#31WriteNow)

I’m writing this because I’m going to bed…and I’m hoping that by getting this out, I’ll sleep better.

  1. Most days, I’m barely happy. I can squeeze out some optimism but it is short-lived.
  2. I’m stressed out — ALL OF THE TIME. My Mom (I live with her) is a disabled veteran whose recent health challenges have left me extremely worried. Extremely (and I’m not sure anyone gets it)!
  3. There are things that I want to do in my life, that I’ve always dreamed of. There are days that the obstacles in front of me look do formidable, I’m not sure that I will.
  4. I have only recently given thought to really building the type of life I wanted for myself. I didn’t think I would leave to see 27. I’ll do a recap on that amazing weekend.
  5. I want it all. I don’t even know what “it all” is. I just know I want it and I’m confused on how to get it all.
  6. My newest health challenge? My hair is falling out.
  7. I need a financial blessing in a MAJOR way because…
  8. I quit my job and I don’t have another full-time position. Mattafack…
  9. I have $5 in my account, owe on multiple loans, found out two utilities are facing disconnection and I have to pay on my health insurance or I’ll lose coverage.
  10. When it rains, it pours.
  11. How could I have been so dumb to leave without a backup plan? But I honestly hated who I was and the work I had to do at my old job. I don’t think I could have made it to the end of August. At all.
  12. I want the job I applied for. I REALLY want the job I applied for.
  13. How do you find out your purpose?
  14. I tell myself every night that “Tomorrow will be better.”

So I’m hoping that it is.

UPDATE: I wrote this post initially at 11:09 on August 11, 2013 because I was having trouble sleeping. This morning, this was in my email:

Screen shot 2013-08-12 at 4.26.31 PM

 

Now, I know that this is an email that goes out to LOTS of folks…BUT this was exactly what I needed after questioning myself.

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