Living Life Purposefully

Where Purpose Meets Passion

Category Archives: Relationships

The Power of Relationship

“The nature of the relationship dictates everything!”

As I sat at my work desk attempting to remain present-minded enough to do my work, that phrase rose in my spirit. I realized I was caught in the uncomfortable familiarity of walking a thin line of depression while wedged between job dissatisfaction and the inability to just quit. Once again, I felt stuck – and feeling stuck left me feeling trapped.

In this body I inhabit as a Black Woman in the USA, I find myself often revisiting the idea of freedom. That is what I crave. That is what I clutch onto when any semblance of it lands in my hands. With a low-paying job, high student loan debt saddled to my back, and a bunch of other stress-inducing issues? I was often left feeling like I am a walking embodiment of unrealized potential; and this moment was no different.

I had become a star that burned too strongly. Too brightly. Too soon.

As I sat as my work desk a few days after my 32nd birthday, I was almost brought to tears by the magnitude of this quiet realization. My Soul was reminding me of the kind of wisdom you bring with you into life. The kind you just know without it being explained. It dawned on me that the conundrum is we often forget this knowledge because it isn’t explained. We are taught so much about what’s acceptable that this is the wisdom we forget to apply to life.

“The nature of the relationship dictates everything!” The voice reminding me of this was resolute. In my confusion, I paused long enough the voice was able to follow with, “And everything in life is relationship.”

Now I said before that I was almost brought to tears. In my mind, I saw my life move in reverse as though God, my Inner Self, or some other deeply revered source of wisdom flipped through a picture book. I started to see pivotal moments and the barrage of emotions – ones I can name and some I can’t – poured over me. To feel everything at once without any way to stop it left me stunned. Similar to other moments where small realizations are posed to become significant breakthroughs, my Spirit asked, “And what will our relationship with life be going forward?”

What will my relationship with life be going forward?

Answering it quietly in my heart, I made up in my mind to find myself and reclaim my power. My life feels like a tapestry of grief being held together by very thin threads of punctuated joy. I know going forward that I have to prioritize recoloring those experiences. In other words, what was once soft grays, biting blues, ominous blacks, and occasional threads of gold? I will look at those very same experiences as a canvas and choose to repaint parts of it in my heart with the vibrant colors signifying who I wish to become.

I am here.

And my relationship with life going forward will be acceptance, accountability, and peace.

This is my toast to life and what’s to come.

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The Journey to Self-Healing

When you embark upon a path of self-healing, you can become transfixed on it having to look a certain way based on the teachers you initially meet. What makes self-healing a difficult experience is that we often find ourselves at a fork in the road. 

The decision before us becomes: “Do I continue to follow this teacher? Or do I strike out in search of another teacher?”

Having been in some form of counseling since I was 9 years old, I’ve come to this place many times. To put it more bluntly, at 30 years old, I realize I’m at the point in my journey where more is required of me. 

The thought came to me in the quiet stillness of the morning – “Teachers can only teach you what they know. They can only teach you what they’ve experienced. They can only teach you what they are ready to be honest about.”

It felt jarring. It felt harsh. The statement felt like an indication of where I fell short. Often? The most important lessons come wrapped in a demeanor of frustration and a tone of exasperation. 

To that, I hear you God.

As a Black Woman, that’s what makes self-healing scary. I don’t have the luxury of no longer acknowledging vague needs and must now explicitly state what it is that opens these personal wounds. And it’s a lot to burden yourself with when you seek answers from those who offered their help, yet remain committed to not touching the same kind of hurt within themselves. 

All heartbreak is not the same. All betrayal is not the same. All disappointment is not the same. ‬It’s why I’ve realized  you can’t look for specific wisdom in a person that’s never experienced the same type of wound. ‬

Knowing this, it’s important to remind ourselves our task remains the same – heal yourself fully and help others do the same. ‬So get to it. 

With love,

Ms. C. Jayné

Affection or Desire

This post has been one that’s weighed heavily on me for a few months. When I thought of it initially, I chose not to write about it because I didn’t want it to be mistaken for a vent session or a rant. Then I chose not to share my thoughts on this because I didn’t want readers to think of me as the “bitter” type. Then…well, then there was always a reason to NOT write this.

And yet…it continued to nag me. So here I am writing about my trouble with dating on Saturday, January 25, 2014 at 12:53 am.

dating image

For me, dating has always been an awkward experience. As a matter of fact, I feel out of my element in traditional date settings (let me say here that I am an introvert and I consider alone time my fun time). Dates are the time you feel out a person and you start to understand whether there is something there. Am I right? I mean, why else would you date them?

My problem is that I’m different. By different, I mean I am a bit of an old-fashioned, romantic at heart. I appreciate the art of courting and being courted. However, it seems that guys in my generation (maybe?) approach dating in a very different way. The problem? Many have confused affection and desire.

Desire is just that – a longing or a need. The crazy thing about longings and needs are that anyone can fulfill them as long as minimum requirements are met. Affection on the other hand speaks to your fondness, warmth and endearment towards a person.

Guys who approach women make no qualms about their desire for us, which can be a good thing. Scratch that – it is a good thing. Every woman wants to feel desired by her man BUT when this desire takes place in the absence of affection, it can be problematic. For me, conversations I’ve entertained with the last three guys fizzled pretty weirdly and I’ve always read this as “we were saying the same thing with dramatically different intentions.” These interactions have left me wondering if it’s me…and if I’m doing this whole “dating” thing right?

For me, if I’ve entertained the idea of going on a date with a man, I’ve possibly entertained the idea of being his girlfriend (whatever that means today). If anything, I just want people to really understand that it’s one thing to desire a woman and it’s a completely different thing to have affection for a woman. Women don’t want to just be desired but we want that desire to take place in the space where affection exists. The last thing we want to realize (rather foolishly) is that we’re just someone’s backup when nothing else goes as planned on Friday night.

Then again, this could just be a result a young child head-butting me in my breast, a homeless man buying me a muffin the other morning and an older gentleman at church asking me if I cook well. Panic is setting in because that’s the most serious “play” I’ve gotten in 17 months.