A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Category Archives: Relationships

The Journey to Self-Healing

When you embark upon a path of self-healing, you can become transfixed on it having to look a certain way based on the teachers you initially meet. What makes self-healing a difficult experience is that we often find ourselves at a fork in the road. 

The decision before us becomes: “Do I continue to follow this teacher? Or do I strike out in search of another teacher?”

Having been in some form of counseling since I was 9 years old, I’ve come to this place many times. To put it more bluntly, at 30 years old, I realize I’m at the point in my journey where more is required of me. 

The thought came to me in the quiet stillness of the morning – “Teachers can only teach you what they know. They can only teach you what they’ve experienced. They can only teach you what they are ready to be honest about.”

It felt jarring. It felt harsh. The statement felt like an indication of where I fell short. Often? The most important lessons come wrapped in a demeanor of frustration and a tone of exasperation. 

To that, I hear you God.

As a Black Woman, that’s what makes self-healing scary. I don’t have the luxury of no longer acknowledging vague needs and must now explicitly state what it is that opens these personal wounds. And it’s a lot to burden yourself with when you seek answers from those who offered their help, yet remain committed to not touching the same kind of hurt within themselves. 

All heartbreak is not the same. All betrayal is not the same. All disappointment is not the same. ‬It’s why I’ve realized  you can’t look for specific wisdom in a person that’s never experienced the same type of wound. ‬

Knowing this, it’s important to remind ourselves our task remains the same – heal yourself fully and help others do the same. ‬So get to it. 

With love,

Ms. C. Jayné

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Affection or Desire

This post has been one that’s weighed heavily on me for a few months. When I thought of it initially, I chose not to write about it because I didn’t want it to be mistaken for a vent session or a rant. Then I chose not to share my thoughts on this because I didn’t want readers to think of me as the “bitter” type. Then…well, then there was always a reason to NOT write this.

And yet…it continued to nag me. So here I am writing about my trouble with dating on Saturday, January 25, 2014 at 12:53 am.

dating image

For me, dating has always been an awkward experience. As a matter of fact, I feel out of my element in traditional date settings (let me say here that I am an introvert and I consider alone time my fun time). Dates are the time you feel out a person and you start to understand whether there is something there. Am I right? I mean, why else would you date them?

My problem is that I’m different. By different, I mean I am a bit of an old-fashioned, romantic at heart. I appreciate the art of courting and being courted. However, it seems that guys in my generation (maybe?) approach dating in a very different way. The problem? Many have confused affection and desire.

Desire is just that – a longing or a need. The crazy thing about longings and needs are that anyone can fulfill them as long as minimum requirements are met. Affection on the other hand speaks to your fondness, warmth and endearment towards a person.

Guys who approach women make no qualms about their desire for us, which can be a good thing. Scratch that – it is a good thing. Every woman wants to feel desired by her man BUT when this desire takes place in the absence of affection, it can be problematic. For me, conversations I’ve entertained with the last three guys fizzled pretty weirdly and I’ve always read this as “we were saying the same thing with dramatically different intentions.” These interactions have left me wondering if it’s me…and if I’m doing this whole “dating” thing right?

For me, if I’ve entertained the idea of going on a date with a man, I’ve possibly entertained the idea of being his girlfriend (whatever that means today). If anything, I just want people to really understand that it’s one thing to desire a woman and it’s a completely different thing to have affection for a woman. Women don’t want to just be desired but we want that desire to take place in the space where affection exists. The last thing we want to realize (rather foolishly) is that we’re just someone’s backup when nothing else goes as planned on Friday night.

Then again, this could just be a result a young child head-butting me in my breast, a homeless man buying me a muffin the other morning and an older gentleman at church asking me if I cook well. Panic is setting in because that’s the most serious “play” I’ve gotten in 17 months.