I spent over ten years of my life running from my issues. I busied myself with doing the necessary work to break damaging cycles in my life; but I did it all with the hope that it would change the people around me. I spent that time focused on the wrong things and the wrong people.
The realization that I needed to work on myself – Me, and me alone – hit me after I spent a year of losing almost everything. After spending time approaching life differently, I’d finally started to feel as though things were working out in my favor. I had a car that I was no longer anxious about driving, I had a better relationship with my Mom and brother even though we didn’t speak much, and I had a job that I was okay with going to.
All of that changed in August 2017. I was stopped while driving for an expired brake tag and things began to unravel quickly in my personal life. My Dad passed away, my car was repossessed, I found out two student loan accounts had gone to collection, and I started to struggle financially. Still? I wouldn’t break. There was a steadfast resolve in my spirit to fix whatever I thought was broken.
That is – until July 2018.
I saw the beginning of my 32nd through blurred vision because I spent the majority of that day and time crying. I felt lost. I felt little hope. I felt invisible and worthless. I felt like I had questions that God refused to answer. And? I felt angry. I felt the kind of anger that burns everything around it until I was exhausted. This anger was the culmination of years of being silent and silenced. There was a lot there and it took a long time to work through it.
Eventually, I did. I would ask God questions until I couldn’t think to ask anything else. The answer would always be the same, “Look at where you are.”
In the beginning, it felt like a mocking reply to someone who was hurting. Over time, I began to realize the instruction meant I needed to realize that where I was – the very place I found myself – was exactly where I needed to be. This was where I was to sow my seeds and wait for the harvest. For someone who spent the better part of her life trying to solve problems and “move on,” this was the hardest thing to do.
“Blessed is the one…whose delight is in the Lord…That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither–whatever they do prospers.” – Psalm 1:1-3
That Bible verse – one I’d read before – seemed to offer a new perspective to my problems. I felt like I was drowning in things trying to fix them when the answer was simple – get out from under my issues. Little by little, I started to forgive myself for my unwillingness to face my problems where I stood. That forgiveness started to chip away at the burdens that my heart felt and it began to open my eyes to different solutions. I started to focus on myself and simply commit to blessing those around me with my words.
As I did, I started to see the first blooms of what was to come. I’m at a point now where I haven’t seen the fruit of my harvest, but I’m determined to be content with what shows up. It took me close to 30 years to begin this necessary work and I’m okay with not rushing the process with my impatience. After all, everything happens in due season whether we are ready or not.
Ms. C. Jayné