Living Life Purposefully

Where Purpose Meets Passion

Monthly Archives: January 2019

Faith Note: What Will You Harvest

orchard in bloom

I spent over ten years of my life running from my issues. I busied myself with doing the necessary work to break damaging cycles in my life; but I did it all with the hope that it would change the people around me. I spent that time focused on the wrong things and the wrong people.

The realization that I needed to work on myself – Me, and me alone – hit me after I spent a year of losing almost everything. After spending time approaching life differently, I’d finally started to feel as though things were working out in my favor. I had a car that I was no longer anxious about driving, I had a better relationship with my Mom and brother even though we didn’t speak much, and I had a job that I was okay with going to.

All of that changed in August 2017. I was stopped while driving for an expired brake tag and things began to unravel quickly in my personal life. My Dad passed away, my car was repossessed, I found out two student loan accounts had gone to collection, and I started to struggle financially. Still? I wouldn’t break. There was a steadfast resolve in my spirit to fix whatever I thought was broken.

That is – until July 2018.

I saw the beginning of my 32nd through blurred vision because I spent the majority of that day and time crying. I felt lost. I felt little hope. I felt invisible and worthless. I felt like I had questions that God refused to answer. And? I felt angry. I felt the kind of anger that burns everything around it until I was exhausted. This anger was the culmination of years of being silent and silenced. There was a lot there and it took a long time to work through it.

Eventually, I did. I would ask God questions until I couldn’t think to ask anything else. The answer would always be the same, “Look at where you are.”

In the beginning, it felt like a mocking reply to someone who was hurting. Over time, I began to realize the instruction meant I needed to realize that where I was – the very place I found myself – was exactly where I needed to be. This was where I was to sow my seeds and wait for the harvest. For someone who spent the better part of her life trying to solve problems and “move on,” this was the hardest thing to do.

“Blessed is the one…whose delight is in the Lord…That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither–whatever they do prospers.” – Psalm 1:1-3

That Bible verse – one I’d read before – seemed to offer a new perspective to my problems. I felt like I was drowning in things trying to fix them when the answer was simple – get out from under my issues. Little by little, I started to forgive myself for my unwillingness to face my problems where I stood. That forgiveness started to chip away at the burdens that my heart felt and it began to open my eyes to different solutions. I started to focus on myself and simply commit to blessing those around me with my words.

As I did, I started to see the first blooms of what was to come. I’m at a point now where I haven’t seen the fruit of my harvest, but I’m determined to be content with what shows up. It took me close to 30 years to begin this necessary work and I’m okay with not rushing the process with my impatience. After all, everything happens in due season whether we are ready or not.

With gratitude,

Ms. C. Jayné

 

Faith Notes: Into the Fog

Foggy Road

Wow! It’s been a while since I broke out my laptop to share my thoughts here. I think it’s fitting that the first time I’ve sat down to write something has been inspired by uncertainty while praying for a lifestyle makeover in the new year.

A quick confession if you’re new here – I’m a recovering perfectionist (I talk about it here). Part of my problem when it comes to remaining committed to something is worrying the outcome won’t match my idea of success. So? I eventually give things up. However, 2018 showed me that isn’t the way to live. It’s not how God designed me.

“So what am I to do?”

That question has been on my mind since I realized what committing to my purpose would actually look like. I tried different things that didn’t seem to fit my personality, my style, or the way I process emotions. But driving to church on a foggy Sunday morning changed all of that.

As someone who has serious anxiety while driving, I had to chuckle that unfavorable weather conditions made me feel the safest I’d felt on the road in a while. The reason was simple – I couldn’t see the obstacles (other drivers, traffic, etc.) and visibility was reduced to three car lengths ahead at most. I quietly reflected on how this mirrored my spiritual walk: I was fine with knowing my purpose but absolutely terrified if I saw too much of the journey ahead of me. If you’re anything like me, you have probably encountered the same feeling of feeling inadequate for the journey your purpose requires.

Those thoughts all beg the question: how many times have we given up on a dream or ignored the direction of our spirit because we saw the obstacles ahead of us? Like me, you’ve done this more than you care to admit. And? You’re probably starting to realize your forward progress being hampered was more about your fear you’d have to fight the battle before you. While it’s fine for those fears and questions to rise in your spirit, it’s important to remember that you are not on any road that you’re not supposed to be on. There isn’t any direction you can move in that won’t lead you to where you need to go. The question for you to answer is will you continue to try to fight your obstacles yourself; or will you give up needing to know everything and ask God to cover you?

That’s for you to decide.

In 2019, it is my hope you continue to walk into the fog & trust God in ordering your steps. It is my prayer that the fog serves as a reminder that things will work out and whatever needs to be moved out of your path is done before you have to take that step.

With gratitude,

Ms. C. Jayné