A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Monthly Archives: November 2015

5 Things to Know By 30

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I bet the title grabbed your attention right?

This isn’t one of those posts that you get a list of the things you need to do before your 30th birthday. It isn’t a list of lessons you needed to have learned. It isn’t a list of places you needed to have visited.

Rather, it’s a reflection of where I am in life based on those things.

Essentially, I’m in a place of Reflective Struggle. It sounds nice when I write it that way but my truth is that I’m in some shit, I’ve been in some shit, and it doesn’t look like I’m getting out any time soon. Basically, I have started to wave my white flag in surrender to life. I’ve been busy facing my personal inadequacies as markers of real-to-me success.

By some measures, I’m a success and there are people (who know me personally) who will be absolutely confused by this post. They’ll say, “But she has these things.” And it isn’t about things. This post is about the frustration I felt with not being supported in a way that made me feel like they valued my spirit. It’s about the sorrow I have from feeling like I wasted my time doing things that weren’t for me. I spent years in spaces that didn’t make me happy because that’s what made sense to people on the outside. I accepted jobs that made me absolutely miserable and chipped at my self-esteem on a daily basis to pay bills that a dent hasn’t been made.

I’m the most successful failure I know because I accomplished all of those things and failed at faking happiness.

Since my 25th birthday, I’ve dealt with a constant nagging that I wasn’t living; I wasn’t even existing. I was lost. And it was then that I started to look at the lists. I wanted to see all of the lists and compare them and study them and use them to set my intentions.

My existence became an exhaustive list of To-Do items, many of them out of my reach. It’s important that I share since graduating with a Master’s degree in 2010, I’ve always been poor. I’ve been less than working poor. I’ve been “I’m so poor I’ll never own my name.” I’ve been “check to check” and “I have more month than money” exhausted. I’ve been “What the hell did I go to school for?” weary. Yet I was determined to live by these lists. The result? I’ve lived a pretty embarrassing life since following these “rules”.

And the other day, I sat down in a fit of exhausted rage when I cried tears of frustration because I’m tired of trying.

At 29 years old, I now base my accomplishments on what I’m able to get through during the day. Did I wake up and sing a song that made me happy? Did I talk to someone on the phone? Did I brush my teeth and comb my hair? I feel like I’ve lived if I did those things. I’m so weary I can’t even look at the lists anymore.

What’s the lesson?

Life is the one thing you don’t really get an instruction manual for. If there isn’t anything else you get from this post, take that nugget. There are no “How-To” manuals for this shit and no list will make up for a void of purpose.

You get up. You move. You fuck up. You try again. You don’t fuck up. You keep doing that. That’s life. That’s what you need to get by 30. And 25. And 21. And 18. And don’t forget to dream. The last thing you want to do is what I did – get caught up in the rat race of getting by in life.

You dream. You get up. You move. You fuck up. You try again. You don’t fuck up. You keep doing that. And in the meantime, you smile and make music and dance and love and laugh and cry. But you keep going. You keep doing that.

I wish someone had told me that before now.

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Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This!

Hey Ladies!

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Let’s have a chat, shall we? The other day, I started to think about what I want my life to look like in 2016. This year, I’m taking a whole new approach to resolutions (or something, I haven’t decided). As I looked at the calendar and compared it to the list of my goals, I wondered, “How in the hell am I supposed to get all of this shit done?”

I also wondered if I even wanted to get it done but that’s what December is for. November is for getting all of my dreams out on paper; December is the reality check (lol). After I got over the initial “ugh” feeling, I started to think about the best way TO do these things. That’s right! I got practical. I asked:

When is the best time to get this shit done?

And then I realized something – I should use my natural inclination to “wanting to do shit” to, you know, do stuff. Now, by this time, you’re probably wondering, “What is she talking about?” I’m talking about our cycles – the ENTIRE cycle (and not just Hell/Shark/JESUS IS IT ARMAGEDDON AGAIN?! Week). This is basically what I’ve come to learn about being a woman that wasn’t in those little books they give you in your middle school health class.

The point?

WE, women*, ARE NATURALLY INCLINED TO DO SHIT BASED ON OUR ENTIRE CYCLE. The whole thing. All 21-30 days. So here are some things to remember about them.

Week 1: I LOVE EVERYONE!

Principle: Do NOT Make Important Decisions. The rule here is that you do not, under any circumstances, make any major decision. Do not agree to shit.

Do NOT agree to a damn thing.

Why? You are ovulating (I know the cycle doesn’t start here BUT I refused to start my post detailing the horrors of Shark Week). You love everyone so much that your helpful ass won’t actually do any work because you’ll overwhelm yourself with “Of course!” and “Yes!” These are the couple of days that you’re happy you’ve once again survived the Rogue Midget in Cleats running through you womb like it was the 6 (shouts to Drake and/or Q. Miller).

Remember that everything only looks appealing. That event with those people you can’t stand because their energy is wrong? You’ll say yes to that because everyone deserves a second, third, twenty-seventh chance. The really bad ideas you hear that the Sharks on Shark Tank wouldn’t even entertain? You’ll say yes to that because everything looks appealing.

So do not make any important decisions. Have the conversations, take notes, but don’t commit. Besides, you’ll be so pleasant that people won’t be offended by your “No.”

Week 2: I’M JUST BEING HONEST!

Principle: Find A Different Way To Say/Do/Think That. Sure! They need to hear whatever it is you want to tell them, just not from you. The thing to remember here is that you’re suddenly more shrewd. Ovulation happened and everything became stupid. Your egg dropped, went unfertilized, and everyone, except you, became the dumbest person alive.

But you won’t say that.

You’ll just give off the vibe that you are too cool for school. YOU ARE TOO COOL FOR ANYTHING! Because you’re (pre)PMSing. Now while this isn’t a great time to start anything, it is a wonderful time to THINK about what you want/need to see happen in your life. This is the perfect time to write it ALL down (don’t delete anything) and get it ALL out. This is also a great time to start sorting through your things and purging them, especially within the first three days of this particular hormonal phase. This is basically when you prepare for the bullshit that is to come in the next week.

Week 3: JESUS FIX IT!

Principle: Love Yourself Because You’ll Think No One Else Does. This is the week that everyone in life holds their breathe about, whether or not they have a period. This is also the week that you have everything, and I mean, everything about yourself. And it is not your fault. And your boy/girlfriend are not insensitive bastards who wish to crush your feelings because they were raised by unloving people who left them alone in dark rooms. I hate to say this because it violates all of the Girl Code but…

It is NOT them; it is You.

And blame whoever you need to. Do whatever you need to do to get through this week since Self-Care is the name of the game (it’s the only game). Love yourself a lot because the mirror won’t. This is the time of the month (see what I did there?) you don’t want to be alive. These are the days that you’ll wonder why everyone hates you, why they dump all of their shit on you, and why you, yes You, can’t get it together. Your hair is dry. Your skin is splotchy. Your clothes don’t fit. And you want to eat everything in life that ensures they will never fit again. It’s okay, Dear.

As I said, your only goal here is to love yourself. Because this love makes the next week of eating crow and getting shit done a lot easier.

Week 4: LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Principle: Do Everything You Really Want To Accomplish. Depending on how bad Hormonal Armageddon was will dictate how apologetic you need to be on the first day of this week. It’s okay. We’ve all been there and your hair actually looks okay enough to make people want to stick around to go through it again. In three weeks. Because hormones. So start with the apologies and then get started on that list of things to do!

This is when you implement the new ideas and commit to the contracts. You are the most levelheaded you’ll be and as this week goes on, you’ll only become more pleasant. You see clearly here because you have 20/20 vision. You feel great here because your energy is back. This is where your personal “I Am the Shit” playlist comes in handy. You are unstoppable so go out and conquer the world.

You’ll only have five days to do so.

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*Men are hormonal too but that required several drinks and a bulletproof vest to write about (I’ll put it on the list for next year).