A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Monthly Archives: January 2015

Today’s Lesson: Being Human & Loneliness

At the beginning of December, I injured my foot to the point that I’m on crutches. Since then, I’ve had to rely on people for just about everything. And I’ve realized that I feel like I don’t really matter to anyone.

That’s not to say that people don’t care about me. Their willingness to “help” says that they care. But people can care about you and their actions can say you don’t really matter. You’re probably reading this like, “But what do you mean? That makes no sense! How dare you be so ungrateful!!!”

What I’m saying is that this injury has forced me to be completely human. At work, people constantly let doors close on me or jokingly “complain” they about helping me. At first, I thought this bothered me because the shit is old and tired. Then I realized just how much I’m asked about my foot or how often someone mentions what they have to stop doing to help. And that’s what I mean when I say I don’t matter.

And in being completely human, I’ll admit that I don’t like the icy, cold, impatient or critical reception that I receive from dealing with people I care about on a daily basis. I guess for me, it’s reciprocity or whatever. But if I don’t understand anything else, I get this one point…

I don’t really matter to people that matter to me. And that hurts.

Today’s Lesson: On Competition

Definition: (as we know it) the activity or condition of competing; (in ecology) interaction between organisms is which birth, growth, and death depend on gaining a share of a limited resource

Yesterday, I made up my mind to stop competing. This isn’t to say that I give up on anything. No, it’s quite the opposite.

In deciding to not compete in anything, a weight was lifted from shoulders and I literally let out a sigh of relief.

As a Reformed Perfectionist, deciding to not compete chipped away at the final piece of insecurity that fueled many of my actions. It was almost as though I understood that subconsciously agreeing to compete in life meant that I showed the Universe I was willing to settle for some fleeting recognition or a prize that could easily be taken away. By not competing, it shows that I know I deserve everything I want plus greater.

Do yourself a favor today. Resign from the emotional turmoil that comes along with senseless competitions in life.