A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Monday Morning Musings – January 27, 2014

As of the writing of this post, it is 5:25 am. I am functioning on less than four hours of sleep and I’ve already been up for close to an hour. I would blame this on insomnia but it’s really that I’m so nervous about life.

The other day I admitted to someone that I was insecure about where I am in life and they mentioned my accomplishments. I appreciate that they tried to cheer me up. In that moment though, my accomplishments only made me feel more of a failure. So I haven’t slept well. And I haven’t slept well for close to a month.

This morning on Facebook, I see this question: if you were living totally free, what would you be manifesting for yourself in your life?

Being empty, that’s a scary question. Being insecure, that’s an intimidating question. Being accomplished with not much of my own thing to show for it? Well, that’s downright bloodcurdling.

The thing that popped into my head is that I want a lot. I want to be wealthy. I want to be financially stable. I want a nice house with a nice car and a driver. I want designer flatware and really nice linens with a thread count so high that I could use them for my future children’s math lessons. I want to be about the community but I want nice things. And I don’t want to be responsible for other people. I don’t want that weight. I want freedom. I want the freedom to say, “You know? I’ve never been to this country before so I think I’ll go next week” and then go.

That’s why I’m nervous about life. Because here’s what I know or what’s been shown to me by other people: you can have a multitude of accomplishments and be a great person. The moment you decide to live a great life that also happens to be carefree, you are a villain. You are a part of the problem of humanity.

I want nice things and I don’t want to feel bad.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: