A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Monthly Archives: January 2014

Monday Morning Musings – January 27, 2014

As of the writing of this post, it is 5:25 am. I am functioning on less than four hours of sleep and I’ve already been up for close to an hour. I would blame this on insomnia but it’s really that I’m so nervous about life.

The other day I admitted to someone that I was insecure about where I am in life and they mentioned my accomplishments. I appreciate that they tried to cheer me up. In that moment though, my accomplishments only made me feel more of a failure. So I haven’t slept well. And I haven’t slept well for close to a month.

This morning on Facebook, I see this question: if you were living totally free, what would you be manifesting for yourself in your life?

Being empty, that’s a scary question. Being insecure, that’s an intimidating question. Being accomplished with not much of my own thing to show for it? Well, that’s downright bloodcurdling.

The thing that popped into my head is that I want a lot. I want to be wealthy. I want to be financially stable. I want a nice house with a nice car and a driver. I want designer flatware and really nice linens with a thread count so high that I could use them for my future children’s math lessons. I want to be about the community but I want nice things. And I don’t want to be responsible for other people. I don’t want that weight. I want freedom. I want the freedom to say, “You know? I’ve never been to this country before so I think I’ll go next week” and then go.

That’s why I’m nervous about life. Because here’s what I know or what’s been shown to me by other people: you can have a multitude of accomplishments and be a great person. The moment you decide to live a great life that also happens to be carefree, you are a villain. You are a part of the problem of humanity.

I want nice things and I don’t want to feel bad.

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Realization: I Wasn’t Mad at My Mom

Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse/Molestation

Once upon a time, I was very angry. For a long time, I just assumed I was angry with my parents, specifically my Mom. You see, when I was very young, I was left with an older cousin who was tasked with the responsibility of watching me. This wasn’t out of the ordinary as she had done it before. On this particular day, she decided to tell me about strangers and how “bad” some of them could be. She wanted me to be sure that I would tell when someone touched me inappropriately. She demonstrated the particular acts on a stuffed bear first, and then me. She wanted to be sure that I knew what to look out for.

Since then, I felt ashamed. I told and it was handled but I still felt “not right.” An already quiet child, I became even quieter. I would choose to spend time with my books and fall into stories such as “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” because those spaces were safer and folks just left me alone. The more I developed, the more intense my need to be alone became.

The other day, while meditating and working through one of my sessions in the Unlimited Abundance program, it hit me out of nowhere that much of the shame I felt over not being good enough was a result of that molestation. In this session, Christie Marie Sheldon spoke on where we felt aches in our bodies. If they were on the right side, we had problems with masculine energy or men. If they were on the left, we had problems with feminine energy or women.

The moment she mentioned this, it felt as though a hot iron had been pressed into my back. Following her directions, I thought of my Mom and worked to delete the story there but to no avail. Then I thought about all of the other women in my life right on down to my first fifth grade teacher (who did not like me very much).

Still…nothing.

Then I thought of the first time I ever felt insignificant and realized it was because of my cousin’s action. Since then, I’ve followed that meditation to continue to let go of that and I’ve felt great. I know that I still have some work to do with respect to ever being around her (I doubt it will happen) and the other issues that were tied to that episode of molestation. Perhaps the greatest thing was realizing that I’m not upset at my Mom. For a long time, I couldn’t place if I was angry with her since she was the custodial parent.

I now understand that I was angry in general because I was hurt and ashamed. It feels good to say that. I wasn’t angry with my parents, especially not my Mom.

Affection or Desire

This post has been one that’s weighed heavily on me for a few months. When I thought of it initially, I chose not to write about it because I didn’t want it to be mistaken for a vent session or a rant. Then I chose not to share my thoughts on this because I didn’t want readers to think of me as the “bitter” type. Then…well, then there was always a reason to NOT write this.

And yet…it continued to nag me. So here I am writing about my trouble with dating on Saturday, January 25, 2014 at 12:53 am.

dating image

For me, dating has always been an awkward experience. As a matter of fact, I feel out of my element in traditional date settings (let me say here that I am an introvert and I consider alone time my fun time). Dates are the time you feel out a person and you start to understand whether there is something there. Am I right? I mean, why else would you date them?

My problem is that I’m different. By different, I mean I am a bit of an old-fashioned, romantic at heart. I appreciate the art of courting and being courted. However, it seems that guys in my generation (maybe?) approach dating in a very different way. The problem? Many have confused affection and desire.

Desire is just that – a longing or a need. The crazy thing about longings and needs are that anyone can fulfill them as long as minimum requirements are met. Affection on the other hand speaks to your fondness, warmth and endearment towards a person.

Guys who approach women make no qualms about their desire for us, which can be a good thing. Scratch that – it is a good thing. Every woman wants to feel desired by her man BUT when this desire takes place in the absence of affection, it can be problematic. For me, conversations I’ve entertained with the last three guys fizzled pretty weirdly and I’ve always read this as “we were saying the same thing with dramatically different intentions.” These interactions have left me wondering if it’s me…and if I’m doing this whole “dating” thing right?

For me, if I’ve entertained the idea of going on a date with a man, I’ve possibly entertained the idea of being his girlfriend (whatever that means today). If anything, I just want people to really understand that it’s one thing to desire a woman and it’s a completely different thing to have affection for a woman. Women don’t want to just be desired but we want that desire to take place in the space where affection exists. The last thing we want to realize (rather foolishly) is that we’re just someone’s backup when nothing else goes as planned on Friday night.

Then again, this could just be a result a young child head-butting me in my breast, a homeless man buying me a muffin the other morning and an older gentleman at church asking me if I cook well. Panic is setting in because that’s the most serious “play” I’ve gotten in 17 months.

I’m Giving It 100

The other day, I came across a fitness video of a woman named LaKeisha. This woman decided to take control of her health and committed to working out for 100 days. She has remained on her journey and to my knowledge, she’s on day 120 (that’s the last video she posted). Her progress and the changes within herself were inspiring.

LaKeisha’s Amazing Journey

So inspiring that I decided to do my own Give It 100 challenge (it was one of those spur of the moment decisions that felt absolutely right). Yesterday, I posted my first video of my challenge, which is to do 100 days of yoga and write a daily love letter to myself.

Day 1 of Giving It 100

If you had to decide one thing to do for the next 100 days, what would it be? 

p.s. – as soon as I figure out how to do good videos, I’ll share more (lol). I’ll definitely share progress on the 100 Day Challenge as I go though.

The Five Reasons I Started My Own Business*

 In 2013, I made the promise to myself that 2014 would be all about Purpose, Passion and Prosperity. To make sure I stick to that promise, I decided to start by being completely honest with myself. To me, that means getting clear on my motivation behind everything that I do.

I mean, every single thing.

This task is hard enough but I’m developing a practice where I ask myself the question, “Why?” until I run out of answers. The first thing I wanted to share was the WHY? behind starting my own business. Now before going any further, I would like to say that I am a bit cautious about sharing these things because at first glance, they seem shallow. Then I remembered that living a life of Purpose, Passion and Prosperity means that you pretty much throw the deuces to other people’s opinions as you take life head on.

Respectfully, of course. So without further ado, the five reasons I started my own business, Professional By Design NOLA

Reason 1: I don’t like waking up early in the morning unless I have to.

The greatest thing about being my own boss? I wake up when I want to wake up. I have set a particular amount of time to devote to my business in a given week and month. When I hit that threshold, I see the benefits that I want and if I want to give extra because I have been led to do so, I do. I don’t experience the same type of burnout that I dealt with working full-time for someone else because there is only one set of expectations to meet – MINE. This means that I am using not being a morning person to my advantage and having the ability to set my own hours and schedules is a Godsend. I’m basking in it.

Reason 2: Dress codes are one of the dumbest thing on earth, IMO.

There is nothing more annoying than being told you have to wear a particular “outfit” or style of clothing when (1) most of your wardrobe falls out of that and (2) you don’t earn enough money to go buy new clothes. My philosophy has always been – I came to work and I wasn’t naked so what more do you want? Just kidding, but it’s pretty close to that. After coming to this realization, I knew that I wouldn’t last long in my field working for another person because of the “wear a suit” mentality that so many people hold. You wear your suit. As for me and my closet? Vibrant blazers and equally stunning heels (4 inches or higher please) it shall be.

Reason 3: I like to do things my way.

Period. I want my files for organization a certain way and I want my reports done a certain way. Mostly, I approach my work in a way that is unconventional while still being sure of myself. I didn’t realize this was so problematic until a few years back. For a while, I would give into the status quo and do things in a way that made everyone else comfortable while I would struggle production wise but the freedom and room for creativity that running my own business gives me? Unmatched and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m still willing to collaborate though (I just want to do it on my own terms).

Reason 4: Don’t give me a choice if there was only one right answer.

This ties to number three. As an employee in someone else’s company, I often got into trouble because I would answer a question the wrong way. By this I mean, I would have the fortune of choosing between Option A and Option B. Usually, I would choose the option that the person didn’t want me to pick. My thing is this – if there is only one answer, why make it look like I have free will? This was always frustrating for me and I was labeled “difficult to work with.” I no longer face this problem because I’m my own coworker.

Reason 5: Maury, 2 Chainz…and Beyoncé.

There is something about the freedom that comes along with eating breakfast in the late morning as Maury plays on your television screen and being able to follow that “Look at that nose! It’s the same nose Maury!” excitement with the musical styling’s of 2 Chainz and Beyoncé without someone telling you about it. The only thing I miss about working in an office with other people is sharing the newest chamber music arrangement of my favorite ratchet rap song. Who knew so much joy could be found in playing my music as loud as I want without coming across as a person who is not willing to collaborate? After all, why should I ignore the urge to belt out my rendition (as only I can) of Mrs. Carter’s “Schoolin’ Life” just because an office mate may not want to hear it? If you said that I shouldn’t, you are correct. Because we know that Jesus did not bear the cross for my sins for me to ignore that urge.

And that’s really all there is to it. You see it really boils down to the freedom to express myself in the best way possible for me. Also…money. As long as I put my passion and zeal into what I do, I’ll never hear the words, “You haven’t done anything to deserve a raise” again in my life.

Which is amazing.

 

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*More on my business: Professional By Design NOLA was formed in 2012 with the intention of providing professional development with a personal touch. In addition to building and editing resumes, cover letters and other services for your professional portfolio, I tap into my intuitive nature to engage in one-to-one sessions and provide my client with a new way to think about their skills, abilities and talents that they offer to their professional calling. If interested in learning more or to find out more about my services, simply email ProfByDesign@gmail.com and follow on Twitter: @ProByDesignNOLA.