This morning I woke up (AMEN) and after being up for maybe 27 minutes, I decided to tweet. I am not feeling well and needed to document my (possible) final moments to the world (exaggerating here).
While on that wonderful microsystem of groupthink and “LOL! You lied!” I asked a question about two twitter users who go by the names of Venny and Darf. Until 11:25 this am, I really thought they were the same person. With that, I have decided to document a few thoughts that I am affectionately calling #BlackTwitterForBeginners. My disclaimer is this: Seeing as I never really had my membership approved, I could be completely off base with my assessment…and it may or may not have been done before.
But it’s Kwanzaa and I’m all about uplifting the community…and helping others avoid #BlackTwitter arguments. I LIVED THROUGH IT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO!
Rule 1: Shifts are important.
There are three shifts on #BlackTwitter. Not like anyone gets paid or anything to be on there, but we just have favorite times to tweet. Usually, you see the same suspects on a daily basis during the same shift unless they are busy having bacon eaten off of their stomach (everyone on #BlackTwitter loves bacon, even the Muslims…because it’s Black Twitter). Still haven’t figured out what it means since…I see the same people all of the time who tweet about hating the same opinions all of the time.
Rule 2: Your opinion is great, if it’s different. But it’s also stupid, if you aren’t popular.
And who knows who will be popular this week? Because…I don’t. It’s almost like going to eat in the cafeteria at lunch and realizing, “Oh shit! That ONE cheerleader ain’t eating with the other cheerleaders today!” It’s confusing. Just remember that if your opinion is different, get ready to be called stupid.
Rule 3: No matter what, women are not funny…
Unless they made a list of Funniest Women on Black Twitter last year. Who decides which women are funny? Umm….the #AshyLarrys. I think. Still confused about this as well.
Note on the tag #AshyLarry: @thepbg came up with this tag/list; I still think it’s funny today b/c most of them actually brag that they don’t use lotion
Rule 4: Love the music you want to love…
Just be ready to be called stupid if you are from the South (read: not New York or Philadelphia). You may be asking why? But…again, I don’t know. I’m from Louisiana.
Rule 5: Are you a woman who happens to be black and is a feminist? What about a man who thinks women should be able to do what that they want?
Don’t say either of these things unless you are ready to prove how much of a feminist you are. No. Seriously.
Rule 6: If you tweet something (read: your opinion), get ready to be told how stupid you are.
I know I said this in number two…but it’s different here. What usually happens if you are a tweeter such as myself (on the outskirts) and somehow are RTed numerous times (thank you @SallieMae), people will laugh at the funny tweet and then scan your TL for the controversy. Once a person who doesn’t follow you RTs a lot of your tweets, get ready…because something is going to happen.
Rule 7: Darf and Venny are NOT the same person.
So…do with that what you will.
Rule 8: Nothing is as it ever seems.
I have a gift of coming into “funny” twitter discussions at the wrong time. Remember what I said about shifts. I don’t know which shift I belong to LOL. Anyway, I always come in at the wrong time so I see all of the funny twitter hashtags about Black women when the #AshyLarrys get ahold of them. So on Twitter, it is important to remember that…Black men are always funny and if you don’t think they are, then you just don’t know humor.
Rule 9: People will steal your work.
This one is pretty self-explanatory I think and by work, I mean tweets. Like…they will legitimately take your tweet and copy-paste it with a slight change (think changing “too” to “2”). So be quick whenever you think of something funny and pray no one steals it from you. Amen.
Rule 10: If you are ever asked, Black Twitter does not exist.
This is the most important rule. You are stupid for thinking/saying it exists.
So that’s it. Here is what I’ve been able to surmise from my time on Twitter since 2009 (I pray that #OreoTwitter will accept my application any day now because I’m tired of being confused). Also, there are levels to this shit and no one ever has the answers.
Did I do that right?