A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Monthly Archives: October 2013

The More Things Change

I had my surgery to remove my renegade fibroids and a demonic ovarian cyst due to endometriosis a little over 6 months ago. I even shared 12 Things I Wish I’d Known before the major operation. Now I’m back to give an update and share some REAL challenges because it’s been…interesting.

Let’s start with the positives (that’s always a good place to start)!

  1. I don’t look pregnant anymore! Whooooooooooo hoo! You know because I’m not. I can’t tell you how embarrassing/insulting it would be for people to ask me if I happened to be expecting because my abdomen was swollen. It was that swollen. I can recall a time where I was on an aisle of baby products buying my friend a gift for her shower and a woman arguing me down about whether or not I was with child. Tuh! So glad it’s no longer swollen.
  2. My Crohn’s doesn’t act up as often! As one of my favorite reality personalities Tamar Braxton-Herbert would say, “Hallelu!” That’s a a throw your hands up and praise shout moment because there were consecutive weekends that I would be in the Emergency Room for yet another scan. The culprit most of the time (now we know this)? Those damn fibroids. Now that they are gone, I’m only having a crisis like 30% of the time.

Now for the “They didn’t tell me this shit would still happen” part (and excuse my language).

  1. Ovulation – still painful. Matter fact, it’s so painful now that I’m just like, “Is there another cyst? Was there a hidden cyst? Let’s go find it because I’m not about this life!”
  2. My cycles – still painful. I remember my doctor saying that there was a small chance that my cycles would still be 9/10 on the pain scale painful. I should have had her clarify as to what she meant by small because guess what? It’s still a 9/10 on the pain scale painful.
  3. The birth control I was on made my boobs grow. That was an unexpected expense I didn’t want to incur and a part of me who is sorta vain wants to say, “This is a good thing.” BUT nope. My chest hurts all of the time.
  4. Exercising is interesting. Even now, I still have abdomen pain near my incision and I still have to take things easy because I have no feeling in the area of my incision. Great! Not great!
  5. My anemia is still weird. There’s really nothing else to describe that. It just is.

I mean, that’s all I have. Just wanted to update you all. Maybe in a year, I’ll be able to say, “Hey Y’all! I’m cured!”

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Evidence of Ridiculous Faith

I just finished reading a 13-Day BibleApp Plan called “Elisha: A Tale of Ridiculous Faith.” The plan ended with a question that forced me to sit down and think. I mean really think. The question was: “What steps do you need to take to have the type of ridiculous faith that Elisha had?”

My answer was “I don’t know.” Then I began to wonder how do you start to live a life of insane belief when all of your life you’ve been led to believe that you’re better off unnoticed?

Then I came to my senses (this was right before lunch so it could have been a side-effect of hunger). I remembered a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while back. I told her about how great she was and why she was amazing. I wanted to build her up and let her know someone who deeply cared about her happiness and supported her path to self-fulfillment was there. I wanted her to know how awesome she was and I had faith in her ability to be who she was called to be.

Today, I find myself in the same emotional state she was in and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to hear those things about myself. The more I wanted to believe that those things were true.

Now before y’all say this sounds egotistical, know that I’m coming to realize a major piece of crazy faith comes from knowing you can do what you are called to AND that you deserve all of the good that comes your way. To start living a life of insane faith, you have to start living a life of humbled confidence. It’s a fine and delicate balancing act – knowing that you deserve a good life and having the self-confidence to carry it out can be isolating. Especially if people aren’t used to seeing you that way. But those are necessary beliefs to have about yourself when you are asking for miracles to take place in your life.

So that’s my first step – believing in myself and my right to all that I will be blessed with.

What steps do you need to take to develop crazy faith?

Your Problems Reveal Your Priorities

On yesterday, my church celebrated it’s annual Women’s Day and it was amazing. Our guest speaker was a First Lady from another church (her name slips me at the moment but I’ll share it later) and she shared an amazing message. The title of the lesson she brought was “Why me?” and I decided to pay extra attention as that is a question I have found myself asking a LOT! The great thing is that i was not disappointed in what I received from her message.

During the time she spoke, she shared this thought with us: “The trials (in our lives) reveal our trust (in God)*.”  Now when I heard her say that, a thought quickly flashed in my mind:

“The problems we create in our lives reveal our priorities.”

What was interesting about that revelation is that it can be both a good thing and a bad thing. What do I mean by that? I’m only saying that if you take a moment to examine everything going on in your life with complete honesty, you’ll realize that (almost) everything around you and most of the experiences you have are a result of your choice to focus your behaviors and actions on certain things.

To break it down even further, think of a test. You study and you understand the material so well that you are confident going into your exam. When you receive you test and see an “A,” you realize that you efforts paid off. Your priority was doing well on the test so you focused your behaviors and actions on studying and understanding the material. The result? An exceptional grade.

I used that example because people will sometimes hear the word problem and think the worst possible scenario. I want people to know that a lack of major problems is also indicative of where you chose to focus your priorities.

Say you look around and you are living your dream life! You went to school and earned an education in something you’re interested in. You are paid generously for your expertise and you give back to the community in service. Your circumstances simply reveal that you prioritized yourself and your dreams. You see spectacular results because your actions were in alignment with your vision to manifest it. Congratulations.

Likewise, let’s look at the opposite (I’ll take a moment here to admit that this is why the thought was so profound — I’m currently in this category). You have had many opportunities to do what you dreamed of or you are amazingly talented, yet you aren’t where you wish to be. Perhaps you focused on helping others and put yourself on the back-burner. Maybe you spent time in a place or situation with the intention to improve others because you started to feel differently about life. But all around you, your life is in shambles. You are doing everything right and yet, you still ask, “Why me?”

Do you understand it’s because you focused on tasks and actions that were not in alignment with your purpose or priorities?

Don’t worry though. There’s always good news when I share something like this. You can Course Correct. Be warned, the necessary actions may be difficult but once you become aware of YOUR purpose, you can prioritize tasks and actions to support this.

How do you start? Well, you figure out what makes you happy. Begin to understand what drives you to serve others and course correct.

It may take a while to work through your mess, but once you do, you’ll find that your problems reveal your priorities in the best way possible.

*Word in parenthesis are my own and are added for context.

Daily Reflection – 292

Today I meditated and I felt pain in my entire body.

I wasn’t surprised that the pain was there. I was just surprised that it felt as bad as it did. For a while, I feel like I’ve been floating or being pushed through life, almost like a pinball in an arcade game. Currently, it feels like things are just…I don’t even know really how to describe them. They are and I am. And it’s not good. So many thoughts ran through my mind and I physically felt sick.

I felt used up. I felt unloved. I felt forgotten. I felt like people only recognize me when they need something (whether it’s a laugh or money or whatever).

I guess now is the time that I get real about these things. But how do you move forward?

Today I meditated and I felt pain in my entire body.

Daily Reflection – Day 287

I’ve decided to try this new thing – a daily reflection of sorts. Just an overview of my day in general or something that stuck out to me which I thought was worthy. It is my intention to keep it up until the end of the year and I hope to find something to be grateful for in every day.

Today, my reflection is on my family. It’s weird because I sometimes find myself having to play this role that makes everyone comfortable. Since I’ve been searching for my next full-time position, I haven’t really had the energy to speak with my parents or siblings. Not them, all me. I just don’t want to pretend to feel better than I really do. I shared this sentiment with my Brother the other day and he wrote something that eased my mind about my feelings — in a way, I was validated and felt what amounted to a small sense of belonging and being understood.

No (wo)man is an island and in this phase of my life, I don’t want to be.

October Intentions

One of the first things you can do to grow spiritually is to let go of any preconceived ideas you have about spiritual growth and your current level of evolution.

Spiritual Growth: Being Your Higher Self

Theme for this month – balance, restoration and reacquainting myself with my power.

1. Secure a job as a Research Analyst.

One thing that really excites me is doing this type of work, it’s why I went to school for policy. My month would be alright if I were to secure a new position that would allow me to do this. Also, it would help me reach some of my financial goals which are always at the back of my mind now.

2. Rest!

I am NOT Superwoman. I’m not Batgirl. Hell, I’m not even Mrs. Incredible and she was known for being stretchy. So I have to stop acting like it. One thing that I’ve noticed that has been more of a barrier than something that fully supports me is that I work. Sometimes I work too much. This month, I’m going to practice a Days Off tactic (I did it yesterday and loved it!) with the hope that it helps me create much-needed balance.

3. Run 30 miles.

I’ve wanted to get back into running for a while now and I even ran once last week. I’m so proud of that (mostly because it was hot as shit at 6:30am when I went to do it). This month will be the one that I actually knock down a real running goal – 30 miles across 31 days? That’s more than doable.

4.  Ph.D. Prep

I’ve narrowed down my list of programs that are awesome enough for all of my awesome! Now I’m going to really get to studying. It’s going to take a lot of balance and even more of limiting distractions because I plan to log 90 hours of GRE study time. With my goal being to have all of my materials assembled for my application by November 15th, I’m going to have to commit to being unavailable. And I think I’m okay with that.

5.  Sell out my Resume Workshops.

This month I’m doing something new with the help of some great people. As you may or may not know, I have a business, Professional By Design NOLA. I’m currently not having the impact I want to have but this idea has been in the works for a while. So I’ll name it and claim it. More information forthcoming.

So that’s it. Five intentions – (1) secure an analyst job; (2) rest when necessary; (3) run 30 miles; (4) study for the GRE and assemble my application packets and (5) sell out my resume workshop. I can’t wait to report on all of the success I’ve had when I do a recap.

What are your monthly intentions? Why did you set them?