A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Single Black Female: Is Something Wrong With You? (#31WriteNow)

NOTE: This was a private post written in 2010. Funny…it still applies even though I’m 27. I decided to update it and share it with some of my more current thoughts (in italics).


I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard that question or how often I’ve heard it hidden within some other backwards compliment, but I hear it often. It’s now to the point where I change subjects rather skillfully (if I’m up to the challenge) or I forget all of my Southern upbringing and charm classes and cuss someone out.

Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m a Black woman. No, there is nothing wrong with me.

I understand why people become so up in arms when I take the opportunity to describe myself. It usually goes something like this:

“Oh, I’m 23 (now 27). I have my BS and MA. I hope to go on for my PhD. I want to work in Education (the policy/administration side…not teaching). I hope to…” and so forth and so on. However, in taking the time to describe myself I face these questions later:

1. Do you have a boyfriend/Are you courting? No./No.

2. Why don’t you have a boyfriend? I don’t leave my house? I don’t know.

3. What are you going to do with all that education? Use it.

4. Don’t you know a woman’s place? Yes. It’s her address right?

(Updated Note: I’m probably single because I have a smart mouth and unintentional snark.)

Wait…whoa…what in the fudge sticks?!?!

You see, when I get around family and this topic is always brought up, I’m left feeling like an outcast. Of most of my cousins from 15-26 that identify as a “woman,” I’m one of TWO that are single/uncoupled (three years later and it still applies). That can be a self-esteem killer, and until recently, it was.

I had an interesting conversation with a Sista of mine. She posed the two questions: “What are 10 ways a man could charm you?” “What are 10 ways a man trying to charm you would annoy you?” I gave her my reasons and quite honestly, it was an eye-opener for me (I’m actually going to answer these questions for myself again). The more that I thought about it, the more I thought about how these things impact my “dating” life. I mean, it’s really hard to walk around as a young, seemingly successful, Black woman who is single AND remain confident in yourself when there are so many things out there telling you why you’re still a failure. There are “experts” who release books on why Black women can’t get, keep, and marry a (Black) man. There are nightly “specials” that devote time to harp on the connections we make with each other, our accolades, and then pose the question (usually by non-Black people) why can’t we find, keep, and marry a (successful Black) man. (Sidenote: HA! I’m watching One-On-One and would you know, this is an episode about how a successful Black woman has managed to step on a Black man’s ego and that’s why she lost him).

I say one thing to these specials and experts:

Spare me the story of the tragic Black woman that happens to be successful and goes to sleep alone at night because she can’t find a successful Black man. And here’s why.

I’m 23 (now 27). I’m (still) being told that I need to start looking for a man. I need to settle down and have some babies (okay…now I want to. Then I wasn’t ready). That’s great. It’d be nice if I weren’t alone (if only it would cut down the chatter at my family reunions) and it’d be nice if I knew of multiple successful Black men aged 22-27 (let’s move this on up to 27-33-ish or something) looking to settle down. The fact is, they aren’t. MEN MY AGE ARE NOT LOOKING TO SETTLE DOWN (hmmm…this isn’t true so much anymore cuz I’m older now). Besides the countless male friends that I have (okay, 6 so as not to sound like a floozy), I also have 5 brothers that were raised by BOTH parents to play the field and put women through the wringer before they put a ring on anything.

So yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m Black. Yes, I’m a woman.

And there is nothing wrong with me….. I still want a boo though. LOL


9 responses to “Single Black Female: Is Something Wrong With You? (#31WriteNow)

  1. msenlightened September 1, 2013 at 8:27 am

    I hear you sister. I would be very interested in hearing your responses to those questions she asked you.

  2. truthangel07 September 2, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    Why is it anyone’s damn business if you’re single? When white women go on a fucking spree around the world; do people question as to why a blond chick from Oregon had to go all the way to Jamaica to get some d*ck?


    Black women aren’t the ones who f’ed up the economy nor are we responsible for the failures of this country.

    Get some business! And leave ours alone.

    Thank you!

    • Miss C. Jayne September 18, 2013 at 10:11 am

      Hello! Thanks for reading and commenting. I understand your frustration but that wasn’t the vein in which I wrote my post. It was more along the lines of, “Hey! Single isn’t so bad…so stop making it sound like it is.” While I wish people would get some business, there is a whole industry built on pointing these things out. I think from now on, we should offer a different perspective (Oh snap! I just got an idea).

  3. TheGirl September 12, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Ah, well I just turned 27 and I’m still not ready to settle down and make babies. However, BM are not settling either, and the reason being that the playing field is not level. There are more BW than BM and they are desperate for a ring. Thus, BWs need to expand their options, open the box, and color outside the lines. Only then will the playing field be leveled and when the rates of available BWs drop, then more BMs will start to settle. Anyway, look at other nonBlack races, marriage on a whole is dropping, but for the Black community it’s crashing — and that’s because of the numbers.

    • Miss C. Jayne September 18, 2013 at 10:15 am

      I actually think the playing field is more level than we care to admit — people just don’t want to go for that guy with the humble job which is an issue all on it’s own. The point of my post was that it’s okay to be where you are in life as long as you’re happy. Right now, I want to work on building a family….but my family wanted me to work on that four/five years ago (think, in due time). The other point is that it’s about more than marriage and rather or not people want to commit at all. I think there are a lot of different issues at play here but thanks for reading and commenting! I appreciate it.

      • TheGirl September 18, 2013 at 11:54 am

        Yep, there is a lot of complexities…I do have to argue about the level playing field. If you look at colleges especially HBCUs: BWs outnumber BMs (conservatively) 3 to 1. You’re right, that a lawyer, doctor, professor, executive assistant may not go for the guy with a GED or school drop-out pulling minimum wage.

        In the U.S, we are class conscious too. Education is one of the biggest dividers, because it determines which neighborhood you live in, what kind of job/money you’re gonna get. And for many Black people, most are struggling to “get out” not fall back in; and that requires finding a like-minded partner.

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