A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

On the Topic of Intimacy*

Actually, this post is about just facing feelings about another person head on.

Today, I might have made the mistake of saying the wrong thing…or rather the right thing in the wrong way. If you know me, then you know that I’m a thinker. And by “thinker,” I really mean I mull things over until I scare myself so badly that I never bring them up. In my new phase of “I’ma Grown Woman” (thanks Beyonce’), I’m trying this honesty thing in a major way and this means being really REAL about how I feel and what I think and how I wish for others to treat me. All of that good stuff.

Well, yesterday someone asked me a few questions and at first, I was cool with answering them. But the more I thought about it, the more agitated I became. Now, to be clear, I wasn’t agitated that the person asked me the questions; I was agitated at my thoughts around “why?” and “what does this mean?” The more I thought about it, the more intense my migraine became until finally, I gave up on thinking about it. Or so I thought.

Later on, after an intense challenge of successfully killing a cricket that decided to take residence in MY bathroom sink, I finally fell asleep. Unfortunately for me, my feelings decided to make themselves known through my dreams in a majorly uncomfortable way. As I sit and reflect now, I realize that my agitation wasn’t really about the questions but I’m at a point where my actions have to finally match the things that I’ve said I want in life. The one thing I’ve started to ask for but haven’t really acted upon is a relationship.

DUN DUN DUN!!!!

That was really…a little dramatic for this….but that’s exactly how it felt in the dream. Why? There was a conversation (that I won’t rehash here) and something was immediately brought to my attention — this isn’t an issue with that person or even the questions.

This is all about my issue with intimacy.

That word scares the living crap out of me. It brings to the forefront all of the fears that I have about other people and allowing them space in my life. But more than that, it brings up the fear that others will let me down (HA! And it only took me roughly 14 hours and a very awkward conversation to come to this particular conclusion). I asked the question “What if?” earlier and I realized that I never actually looked up the word intimacy. After I did (close familiarity or friendship; and a private cozy atmosphere), I really began to understand my apprehension around this whole topic…or action (look I don’t even know what to call it). As I sit here writing this, I’m almost afraid of what admitting this will actually mean because now I have to behave differently (I sorta want to give my Grown Woman card back now).

I guess the lesson here is that I don’t have to throw caution to the wind but the “same old, same old” is not going to get me the awesome life I’ve dreamed for myself. *deep sigh* I’ll just have to see where all of these newfound revelations take me.

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