A Glimpse Into My Life

See it through my eyes & understand me a little more

Denying Others for Your Self (Crossroads, pt. 3)

This is it.

This is the piece that’s taken so long to share because it forced me to recognize a lot. It’s one thing to stand in a mirror and view your reflection; but it’s a completely different thing to feel as if your soul has been cracked open and you are beginning to spill out for everyone to see. In growing older, I always wanted to feel like I was in control of my happiness. In coming to this point, I realized that to understand what makes you happy, you have to understand you.

And I don’t mean the you that everyone has told you that you are but the real You!

For me, I’ve learned that even in my darkest and most confusing moments, music makes my soul dance. I’ve learned that silence is where I feel most complete. I’ve been shown that I’m capable of quite a few things — and possibly succeeding at all the things I wish to undertake. I’m strong and my strength isn’t like those closest to me.

But perhaps the most confusing, and ultimately the most important, thing I’ve learned is that it is okay for me to speak up for myself.

Here’s why that’s important: I’ve lived a life where I’ve always thought of the comfort of others. I’ve always viewed myself as someone whose sole purpose was to help others achieve their dreams. In my heart of hearts, I don’t mind this but lately a piece of me has been struggling to step forward.

And that’s what these particular posts have been about.

I used to say to myself that my biggest fear was being forgotten by my loved ones. Lately, I feel as though it’s to live life as a coward. I’ve stopped myself from experiencing life because I’ve been afraid to fail an I’ve been afraid to disappoint those close to me. I’ve been afraid to say no and to live and to walk away from those closest to me. I’ve been afraid to let the pieces in other people’s lives. I’ve been afraid of letting others feel the way I’ve felt for the majority of my life – unsupported.

And in that, I’ve been quiet. I’ve made myself smaller and convinced myself that I have no dreams. I’ve done some things in life simply because it was expected. I’ve swallowed my hurt and I’ve quieted my needs. I’ve been the person that people have laughed at. And I told myself it was because it would make them happy. And it would fix things.

Now I see that it won’t. That it doesn’t and that it never well. I don’t want to fix other people’s problems. I don’t want to be the one that has all of the answers. I don’t want to be the one that stayed behind because someone needed me to. I don’t want to be just that.

I find myself asking what happens when you break the bonds that have unknowingly been placed on you by loved ones?

What happens when you say “no” and your real self starts to show?


One response to “Denying Others for Your Self (Crossroads, pt. 3)

  1. pynkkashmere June 4, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Being an adult is all about discovery. This is the time who you can be whoever you want to be. There is nothing wrong with not disappointing our loved ones, but never at your expense. With this new discovery, people may comment, talk about or not like you, but chances were they were doing that anyway. Stay true to yourself.

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