Last night, I read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho.
Not a very major statement because I’m always reading some book. However, I had a very major moment.
This book reminded me of having a conversation with a wise loved one over hot chocolate. Actually, I wouldn’t even call it a conversation; I’d call it a lesson where they periodically ask you questions to see if you’ve been paying attention. For me, the book served as a form of therapy because I’ve been dealing with grief and the loss of loved ones. Something I wondered was — “What would they say to me if they were here right now?”
I read this book. I even cried on some parts. The young shepherd was me. The people whom he interacted with were also parts of me (does that make sense?) and that’s why I cried. I saw myself unfolding on these pages. I heard my soul whisper to me and say, “See? It is ok. You can do all of these things too. You can LIVE and LOVE! And it will be enough for you.”
But that’s not all. I also had a dream last night.
Once I finished the book, I felt peace. As though, my Soul was finally saying, “You’re ready. It’s time. You will make it.” It’s big for me because I can’t ever remembering feeling a peace like that. I went to sleep and I had a dream.
In this dream, all of the characters were me. I wondered into a house, a nondescript house, but one I felt I’d been in all of my life. There was such a familiarity there that I wanted to stay in that moment always. There were four people there – a very young girl (5-7 years old), a teenager (15-17 years old), a young woman (35-40 years old), and an older woman (60+ years old). I didn’t realize it until now, but every woman in my dream was me.
The one I spoke to the most was the younger me. She was in a room with furniture much like I’d had as a young girl. A daybed pushed to the side, a chest at the foot of the bed, a few dolls, and books. Lots and lots of books. She played with her back to the door because she trusted the space that she was in. She feared nothing here because she realized she was loved and protected. On the girl, I recognized the dress she wore as she play — it was a favorite of mine that I used to wear often, until something caused me to close it up in the chest.
Our conversation was simple. Heavy but simple.
She turned around and she asked me, “Do you believe in God?” My answer was, “Yes.” She then said, “As you should. Why do you believe in God?” My answer was, “Because God is around me.” She said, “Is God around or within you?” I paused.
And she stopped playing.
I always had a knack for asking questions like this. So I said, “God is within me.” She said, “If you believe that God is within you, why do you hurt yourself over things you couldn’t control?” Her voice changed. It went from one of childlike wonder to one of hurt and despair to one of confidence and finally one of wisdom. Her voice changed, but she didn’t. “God is within you so that you can move forward.”
I was stunned.
Here I’ve been reliving the most hurtful part of past in the simple things I’d do everyday. I told myself that I was always working towards protecting myself. Now I realize it’s been holding me back. Trust issues permeated everything I would attempt to do because I convinced myself that if family couldn’t look out for me, then no one would. I was all I had.
This was a falsity. I had more than myself because I was more than myself. I had the spirit of God within me.
Then I realized something else — the funny thing about living and being human is that you’ll suffer needlessly if you really attempt to live life alone. We aren’t designed for that, yet we’ve convinced ourselves that we can make it alone. The lesson here is there will always something that you need to have BUT you don’t have the means to get it yourself. Usually your Neighbor has it.
So ask.Stop worrying about what you can’t control.
Stop protecting yourself from events you’ve already lived through. History only repeats itself when you allow it to — and you’re saying to your Present that you don’t care anything about it when you focus on your Past.
The Little Girl in my dream told me to stop hurting myself over things I couldn’t control. Then she came to me, gave me a hug, and told me I was ready to live my life. She was proud of me because I always remembered her. In this moment I forgave myself and truly realized that I have forgiveness in my heart.
As I realized a moment ago, the ongoing lesson from the Universe is “You WILL have everything you want BUT only when you’re willing to give up what you don’t need.”
Let go of the pain. You have a life of love waiting for you.