Not a very major statement because I’m always reading some book. However, I had a very major moment.

This book reminded me of having a conversation with a wise loved one over hot chocolate. Actually, I wouldn’t even call it a conversation; I’d call it a lesson where they periodically ask you questions to see if you’ve been paying attention. For me, the book served as a form of therapy because I’ve been dealing with grief and the loss of loved ones. Something I wondered was — “What would they say to me if they were here right now?”

I read this book. I even cried on some parts. The young shepherd was me. The people whom he interacted with were also parts of me (does that make sense?) and that’s why I cried. I saw myself unfolding on these pages. I heard my soul whisper to me and say, “See? It is ok. You can do all of these things too. You can LIVE and LOVE! And it will be enough for you.”

But that’s not all. I also had a dream last night.

Once I finished the book, I felt peace. As though, my Soul was finally saying, “You’re ready. It’s time. You will make it.” It’s big for me because I can’t ever remembering feeling a peace like that. I went to sleep and I had a dream.

In this dream, all of the characters were me. I wondered into a house, a nondescript house, but one I felt I’d been in all of my life. There was such a familiarity there that I wanted to stay in that moment always. There were four people there – a very young girl (5-7 years old), a teenager (15-17 years old), a young woman (35-40 years old), and an older woman (60+ years old). I didn’t realize it until now, but every woman in my dream was me.

The one I spoke to the most was the younger me. She was in a room with furniture much like I’d had as a young girl. A daybed pushed to the side, a chest at the foot of the bed, a few dolls, and books. Lots and lots of books. She played with her back to the door because she trusted the space that she was in. She feared nothing here because she realized she was loved and protected. On the girl, I recognized the dress she wore as she play — it was a favorite of mine that I used to wear often, until something caused me to close it up in the chest.

Our conversation was simple. Heavy but simple.

She turned around and she asked me, “Do you believe in God?” My answer was, “Yes.” She then said, “As you should. Why do you believe in God?” My answer was, “Because God is around me.” She said, “Is God around or within you?” I paused.

And she stopped playing.

I always had a knack for asking questions like this. So I said, “God is within me.” She said, “If you believe that God is within you, why do you hurt yourself over things you couldn’t control?” Her voice changed. It went from one of childlike wonder to one of hurt and despair to one of confidence and finally one of wisdom. Her voice changed, but she didn’t. “God is within you so that you can move forward.”

I was stunned.

Here I’ve been reliving the most hurtful part of past in the simple things I’d do everyday. I told myself that I was always working towards protecting myself. Now I realize it’s been holding me back. Trust issues permeated everything I would attempt to do because I convinced myself that if family couldn’t look out for me, then no one would. I was all I had.

This was a falsity. I had more than myself because I was more than myself. I had the spirit of God within me.

Then I realized something else — the funny thing about living and being human is that you’ll suffer needlessly if you really attempt to live life alone. We aren’t designed for that, yet we’ve convinced ourselves that we can make it alone. The lesson here is there will always something that you need to have BUT you don’t have the means to get it yourself. Usually your Neighbor has it.

So ask.Stop worrying about what you can’t control.

Stop protecting yourself from events you’ve already lived through. History only repeats itself when you allow it to — and you’re saying to your Present that you don’t care anything about it when you focus on your Past.

The Little Girl in my dream told me to stop hurting myself over things I couldn’t control. Then she came to me, gave me a hug, and told me I was ready to live my life. She was proud of me because I always remembered her. In this moment I forgave myself and truly realized that I have forgiveness in my heart.

As I realized a moment ago, the ongoing lesson from the Universe is “You WILL have everything you want BUT only when you’re willing to give up what you don’t need.”

Let go of the pain. You have a life of love waiting for you.

For many in the Black community and those in the South, this brand of justice is nothing new to us. Personally, it brings up a fear of mine — the fear of having sons.

More importantly, the fear of having Black sons.

As a young woman who is seriously contemplating having children in the future, no one should have to consider, “How do I teach my son the proper way to react to police?” or “When should I give my son the talk about the appropriate response to an office of the law demanding a search of their person or property?” This is my fear of hearing a doctor or doula report to me, “Congratulations! It’s a boy.” In that moment, I imaging that I would feel overwhelming joy and a comparable amount of apprehension.

One of the most unfortunate circumstances of our nation is that we live in a period of idealized “post-racialness.” In this time, people want to point out the advances we’ve made as a nation, and sometimes as a people, as evidence that race no longer plays a role in interactions between citizens and the law. People want to point to a nation of wealth and say the “have nots” have little because they don’t want more. People of color (and other groups of less privileged people) are facing the weight of not-so-invisible but never acknowledged oppression.

In this nation, young men of color are automatically painted as deviants. Laws and rules are written with much discretion and what has been passing as discretion is actually undercover and internalized prejudice. How do you raise a Black man in this environment?

Our boys are educated in a system that utilizes reading test scores from the 3rd and 4th grade to project the number of people who will lose their basic rights after becoming part of the prison populations. Our boys are introduced to the juvenile justice system through Zero-Tolerance Policies (or what are passing as ZTPs) before getting to high school. In this society, they are expected to embody stereotypical caricatures that seek to label them as the “bad” guy and their authenticity of Blackness is questioned; meanwhile, these very same caricatures make them targets of society. We live in a time and place where many Black would be given a sentence of death just because their innocence must be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt — and there will always be a shadow of a doubt.

This is why I fear raising a “Troy Davis.”

~Miss C Jayne

– If you have the time, take a moment and say a prayer on his behalf that clemency is granted. If you’re unwilling to do that, then my hope is that you at least examine your prejudice as to why you wouldn’t pray for a man who isn’t guilty. Then do your part to ensure that this injustice doesn’t happen to another man.

I was to take a lesson about “Baggage” to our Elders…and to as many people who would pay attention!

How many times have we gone encountered a new situation in Life that brought up an old hurt? If you’re like me, more times than you should have. And if you’re also like myself, many of those old hurts were something passed down to you. This is what a Generational Curse truly is — it is something that festers within your family for years and is passed down just as eye color and hair curl pattern — often without us knowing it.

When I shared what I had learned with my Sunday School class (the Ladies of the church that were 21 to 59), I compared Generational Curses to going on a trip and having too much baggage. How many times have you found yourself at the ticket counter only to weigh your bag and be told, “It’s too heavy. You’ll have to pay a fee for every pound you’re over.” And how many times have you paid that fee, or adjusted your bag so that it wasn’t “over” and you could take your stuff with you?

But more importantly, how many times have you turned to, or been turned to, and asked to carry that weight? Weight that wasn’t YOUR own…but was given to you nonetheless.

You, or someone you know, took that extra weight on a trip knowing it wasn’t supposed to be there — there was no need for it. Well, I’m here to tell you to lighten your load! Go through it and get out everything that you aren’t using and isn’t building you up. Get rid of the hurt and the pain. Start talking. Fling open those closet doors on situations that your family thinks you know nothing about and as you start talking, expose those skeletons. Then when you’ve exposed the skeletons, seek closure. Realize that the closure you want may not be the closure you receive. Your goal should be to get to a point where you share your story and the hurt isn’t readily apparent.

Do it because you need to! For your safety, sanity, and salvation, expose it all and rid yourself of that dead weight. Then when you find your healing, share it with someone else that may need it.

A Cure isn’t any good to a People when the human next to you is ailing.

I really hope that someone takes heed to my words, especially if you have children. That baggage that you’ve given to them, knowingly or unknowingly, is killing them. We have young people in the streets who are losing their lives because they’ve been hardened by the Life you gifted to them — the good, or what you thought was good, and the bad. You have children struggling with adult situations with no coping mechanisms and it is killing them.

So get rid of the bag. Stop stunting your growth and hindering your children’s progress. Besides, aren’t you tired of paying the baggage fee in life?

You should be.

Project Excel, a youth tutoring and enrichment program focused on the long-term academic success of youth in under-resourced areas of New Orleans, is an organization that sprouted in 2008. In the wake of school-restructuring post-Katrina, a Ninth Ward church organization, Compassion Outreach of America, decided that their community needed to gather volunteers to staff the nearby elementary and high schools, to provide tutoring, hallway monitoring and cleanup, teacher appreciation, and other services. Between 2008 and 2010, the program provided on-site tutoring services to Frederick Douglass High School and off-school site services to Charles Drew Elementary School.

Currently, we (Project Excel) are facing restructuring efforts ourselves that started with the hiring of a new Program Director. We are moving in a new direction while maintaining our grassroots approach to youth development and academic support to make an impact in struggling New Orleans schools.

Now Project Excel wishes to continue to make a difference by building a multimedia arts center for youth in the 9th Ward of New Orleans…and we want YOUR help!

Here’s what you need to know:

Project Excel is in the $50k group.
We are hoping to receive $50,000 from the Pepsi-Cola Corporation but they only award 10 of these a month. With our $50k, we’d use the money to renovate a building, lease the space for a year, and purchase the much needed supplies. The great thing? You can vote once a day EVERY day for our idea.

Make Sure You Vote Every Day!
Voting takes place from September 1, 12 pm ET – September 30, 11:59:59 pm EST with finalists being announced on October 1st.

Ways to Vote!
For the next 25 days, you can vote one of three ways!

1. Vote online at refresheverything.com/projectexcel by using your FB login. You can vote every day!
2. Text 108737 to 73774 (remember that standard rates apply for this method).
3. Buy specially marked Pepsi bottles and give a power vote to Project Excel by entering the code online. This method is called the power vote method and can give us 5 to 100 extra votes!

You can help us reach our momentous goal by voting for us in the Pepsi Refresh Challenge and we sure hope that you will!

~Project Excel

For more information on Project Excel, visit us at: Project Excel NOLA

No.

That’s it. A simple word, yet it seemed to hold the weight of something much heavier. Inquisitively, I asked him for details. I’ll note here that like most boys, my younger Cousin doesn’t bring his problems to me. Why would he want to present himself as “weak” to (his words here) a family member with the Lady Parts? As other Black men in my family, he wants to be seen as strong, so I knew that the words following his audible sigh were sure to be unexpected.

“I’m not cool because I’m smart. They pick on me because I’m smart. Why can’t I be cool and smart?”

I’m going to make a provocative statement and people can take it or leave it — but kids, especially Black boys, can’t be cool AND smart because parents don’t encourage that behavior.

Now, to me, this kid is possibly one of the coolest people I know. He’s a borderline genius and he’s humble about it. He’s not one of those “I know the answer to everything so let me answer the question that you didn’t ask” type of children. He’s also the kind of person that helps out those when they need help. He’s athletic but he’s a bit on the short side; and he’d rather just be himself rather than conforming to some trend.

Take it or leave it — that’s been his attitude until now. Now, he’s wondering, “Why don’t they like me?” and as someone who dealt with that, I know how dangerous it can be to navigate “life as you know it.”

In a day and age where parents already have to worry about their Black boys being tracked into slower classes, being reprimanded more than non-Black peers, or being tracked into the juvenile justice system via zero-tolerance polices, no one is seriously discussing what we value in our culture and it’s impact on what is already a challenging time.

As a culture (I cringe a bit when I type this), we focus too much on toughening our boys physically; yet we hesitate when it comes to encouraging our boys to strengthen their intellectual prowess. As a culture, we’re ready to cheer on our boys for their physical displays of excellence through sports such as basketball and football; yet we cringe when they inquire about chess, checkers, writing competitions, or unorthodox sports. As a culture, we focus on our bigger boys and reward them for their luck in the genetic draw while we disregard or neglect our boys who are shorter in stature or slighter in build.

But it leads me to the question of, “What if the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air had been an honor roll student?”

I bring him up because like most people my age (I’m 25), I’m aware of his character and what he meant. He was the cool kid on the show (and in life) and I can only wonder how my male friends who faithfully watched the show would have approached school if they made it look like Will Smith’s character loved school? I even wonder about Eddie Winslow, the free-spirited but not-so-bright foil of Steve Urkel’s character on Family Matters. I even think about how wonderful it would have been had they shown Theo, the academically-challenged only son of the successful Huxtables, overcoming the limitations of his dyslexia and exceeding the academic standards that were set for him.

What would be different today had a generation of young men grown up watching the Cool Kids also exhibit characteristics of the Smart Kids?

Possibly nothing. But the idealist person that I am thinks that maybe something today would be a bit different. Maybe more of our young men would have become Scholar-Athletes. Maybe more would have found a way to balance the commercialized rap/hip-hop culture that became so prevalent to us as pre-teens and teens with the academic geniuses that many of them were capable of being. Maybe this group would have reached back to help out the younger boys behind them, thus starting an academic culture that was accepting of the Smart Kid Only or the Smart Kid Hybrid.

Maybe and then maybe not because as I think about this, I go back to my original point — it’s up to the parents to encourage accepting the Smart Kids at school and it starts with accepting the Smart Kids at home.

I just hope that my Cousin, and young boys like him, can find a way to navigate through school without succumbing to the pressure of “dumbing it down.”

It didn’t last long.

Before I knew it, some tweet about what Beyoncé “did right” was being retweeted onto my TL. I saw it no less than 5 times (from 3 different “original” accounts) in the span of 3 minutes. It said simply:

“Beyoncé dated, married, then got pregnant….LADIES #takenotes.”

Do you all want to know how offended I was? Don’t worry…I’ll tell you.

There were multiple layers to why I was offended. To begin with, Beyoncé is obviously a Black woman and there was an undertone as to the fact that Black women ALONE were doing “it” wrong. It being “bearing children.” But that’s not all. Upon my RTing the very biased statement while adding my two cents: “Bey was courted, proposed/married to, then got pregnant. Men take notes!” some woman took my tweet and ran in a preachy direction with it. Her subject — what women need to start doing. Unfortunately, a quick search of “Beyoncé pregnant” showed that she wasn’t the only woman bashing single Black mothers. Finally, I was rubbed the wrong way by the seemingly “Good Black Men” who were agreeing with the Black Women Bashing.

Are you serious?

So let’s point out something obvious here: Black women are bearing children alone because most of their partners, who happen to be Black men, make the decision to leave the picture.

Barring trips to fertility specialists (which many women can’t afford), it has been proven time and again that women do NOT make children alone. We do not impregnate ourselves. So why aren’t men being chastised for not stepping up to the marriage plate? Because it’s easy to blame the woman for her decision in choosing a “mate” (or simply exercising her sexual freedom to have sex) and then making the decision to not abort the fetus upon finding out she’s expecting a child.

Why aren’t we holding our Men accountable?

People say a bit too freely, “She should have known better” or “She should have waited until she saw a solid sign of commitment from him before opening her legs.” Valid points but what if that man showed a solid sign of commitment? What if he was monogamous  and committed to their relationship? What if he talked of a future with this woman? Or what if the “Good Black Men” began to hint that there were other women who would do what she wouldn’t when she said she didn’t want to sleep with him? Many men do it. We know they do…yet and still, we blame the woman for an out-of-wedlock child.

It’s a modern-day version of the Scarlet Letter.

Too many people agreed with the Beyoncé did it right sentiment and gave no credit to Jay-Z. That sickened me. But I understand that we have this issue with not allowing Black men to be intellectually competent in choosing a mate. If he marries what we deem a “good woman” it’s because someone somewhere else pointed it out to him. If he gets with a woman who is not a “good woman,” then good for him for not being trapped with that (if they happen to have kids, we pity the guy and pray the children have more sense than their no-good Mama). I think the issue is that for us to call Black men out about their behavior, we’d have to point out all of the “good” Black men that haven’t stepped up to the plate. These men exist. They are successful, unmarried, with a brood of children but we don’t make men the villains unless it happens to be an episode of Maury and the child is CLEARLY his. The question why still remains.

With respect to Black romantic relationships, it’s possible that Black men get such a bad rap in this country and our society that we’ve moved from holding them accountable in our community for their actions to providing them with excuses as to why they behave the way they do. Sadly, it always comes back to how a Black woman couldn’t do something right to keep him or make him want to say “I Do.”

I’ve said all of that to say that people need to sit back and evaluate their prejudices against women — especially single mothers who happen to be Black. Remember, they didn’t do it alone.

Don’t forget your number one fan.

There are many reasons that people become so bogged down that they forget about their personal dreams. Life, and all that comes with it, can be quite unreasonable for a dreamer — but that shouldn’t stop you from reaching your potential. Bills (a constant reminder that nothing is free) will always be there, and no matter how many hours you work at that job that your despise, the same bills will come the next month. Don’t let the darkening agents of everyday life be the compass of your life.

As someone who has recently turned 25, I took the moment to reflect on what was now guiding my life. I asked myself, “In which direction did I see it going and why?” The answer was that it’s going to an unhappy place and quite quickly — all because I’d simply forgotten about my “#1 Fan.” This is the person who is with me through the thick and the thin. The Pep Talk Professional. The dreamer. The comedienne…and any other positive buffer that allows me to continue trudging through life — myself. Currently, my situation is less than ideal (meaning, I’m not 100% happy with where I am) and I found myself  questioning everything that I’m doing. Things as simple as going to dinner with friends are now met with, “Well, are you sure you should be doing that?”

THAT doubt is leading me to the place that Jeff Johnson was speaking about in his commentary — the place of “I could have been great!” I don’t want to be a citizen of that city and you shouldn’t either.

The good news is that it is very simple to keep yourself from becoming one of those people who utters the phrase, “I could have been and done so much!” There are five simple steps to keep you from that place in your life (remember, the steps are easy BUT the journey may prove to be otherwise).

Step One – Write It All Out

Seeing is believing! There is more truth to that little statement than people want to give credit. Once you write down your goals, they become tangible. They’re real. They aren’t just imaginary tales of success that are floating around your head while reflect on the face that you are checking out some agitated customer who is angry about your store return’s policy (oh wait, I’m projecting there). Take it a step further and add pictures. We’re visual people and we react to what we see on a daily basis. Once your goals are written out, you can decide the path you want to take to get there. You can set a time-frame in which to accomplish everything. You can, and you WILL, move…but it’s because of that daily reminder. So break out the pens and paper, or that laptop and get to typing. Take it a step further and create a vision board. Whatever you do, just make sure you write it down.

Step Two – Build A Network

Sounds simple enough? It isn’t. This step is almost as crucial as the first step and is sure to be more time intensive. However, it’s doable! You should search for two types of people in this group — Mentors and Peers.

Your Mentors should be people who are doing what you wish to do. Ask them what they did to get where they are. This is important because it will highlight whether or not these goals actually fit your morals. We all want nice things and success but we want to make sure we can sleep at night after we reach our goal. Ask them the potential they see in you and would they be willing to take you under their wing, give you access to their network, and actively instruct you as you go along your way. One thing that people fail to realize is that your success will depend largely upon who you know. Sure, you’re talented and amazingly driven — but who can vouch for you? What does it say about you when certain people put their names and reputations on the line for you? A lot!

Your Peers are your fellow dreamers. These are the people who will go through “The Struggle” with you. I liken them to a cohort of students who are navigating the challenging sphere of education or any type of training (think military). These are the people who you will cry to and get your thoughts together when you want to present a problem to your mentor. These are the people who cheer you on when you do amazingly well, and I mean, they CHEER! They send motivational texts to your phone or an inspiring email when they know you’re down. These are the people who give you a “Big Head” when you’re too afraid to do it yourself. They also buy you drinks and help you chase your worries away. You need them!

Step Three – Take the First Step

It’s as simple as it sounds — it’s moving to action. Let’s face it, you can prepare all you want and talk about everything that you’re going to do but it doesn’t mean anything until you DO. You must move towards that goal if you ever plan to reach it. As Jeff Johnson said, “If you can’t move, lean forward a little bit. At least you’re a bit closer to your goal after having fallen on your face.” So MOVE! Take that step! Leap! Jump! Whatever you do, just get closer.

Step Four – Remember & Edit Your Goals

You’ll always have to come back to your goals. You’ll hit roadblocks and you’ll question yourself. When you do this, pull out that piece of paper that you wrote your dreams on or look at your vision board. Remember why you’re doing what you’re doing. After having taken the steps towards the goals, ask yourself, “Is this what I want?” If the answer is yes, GREAT! If the answer is no, AWESOME! You now know which direction you need to go in. Just know that it’s normal to wonder and question and edit your goals. You shouldn’t shy away from this but embrace it as a part of the process.

Step Five – Remember Your #1 Fan

This is what it’s all about! It’s you and the legacy that you wish to build. But why not put this step first? Simple — there are people out there who will make it their personal mission to discount, discredit, and dismiss your goals. They’ll see the rough drafts of the masterpieces you plan to paint and they will destroy them. Now, this isn’t their intent (well, not for the large majority of people) and you should just remember that these are the people who have fallen victim to letting time get away from them. Here’s what you do — you act like time AND GET AWAY FROM THEM! While you’re distancing yourself, remind yourself that you are great and can accomplish anything that you’ve put your mind to. Remind yourself WHY you want whatever it is that you want for yourself and keep moving towards that goal.

After all, your life is about You, your #1 Fan!

In essence, a facade.

The Issue

With the recent release of Rihanna’s “Man Down” video (here), people have decided to raise their voices concerning a very important issue to the Black community. For those who haven’t seen the video causing all of the controversy, Rihanna essentially shoots an assailant after he stalks her when she leaves a party and rapes her in an alley.

Given that scenario, it was no surprise that people had something to say.

I was surprised by what people decided to take issue with  — the murder of a Black man. Not the rape. Not the stalking. Not the depression of the victim. But the murder of a Black man (who in my eyes was no longer a man when he decided to assert his masculinity and take what wasn’t willingly given to him).

Why Does This Happen?

But the question is why does this type of behavior towards Black women take place, especially at the hand of Black men?

During a discussion on Twitter concerning Black men, Black women, and various forms of harassment, @purplepeace79 posed the question, “Do we think over generations of being unable to do anything to protect Black women, that Black men simply gave up?” It was a very interesting thought and I found myself saying yes. I then responded with, “I’d also say that it stems from not being able to be a man in larger society, so they mimic negative behavior towards us.”

And this is what I mean by artificial masculinity.

For far too long, the Black community has had to cope with the negative implications of our men being feminized (made something more characteristic of women) by larger society. What could possibly come from a legacy of slavery where Black men were used to breed and family units were almost nonexistent (roughly 1619 until 1863)? What could possibly come from the disenfranchisement we faced (as a community) after the Reconstruction era (roughly 1870 until 1964)? How could we cope as a community when men were pushed from the home with the Vietnam War and subsequent Welfare Laws? How could we possibly rebuild ourselves after the Crack Epidemic (1984 to 1990) and then the War on Drugs? And let us not forget the war on poverty. After all of this, we really feel that as a community, we are unscathed and that men are…Men?

No. They are not. Not fully anyhow.

What we are witnessing with the majority of men is simply what happens when role models are only present through the television and gang culture has seem to become the law of the land. Stereotypes are projected through media and impressionable young people come of age idolizing those who experienced a quick rise to riches and a fast fall to nothing (think American Gangster, Scarface, and the main character from GTA). For most, fathers are not around and our community has moved from the stance that “It Takes A Village To Raise A Child” (which has been capitalized upon by white women, most notably HIllary Clinton) to one of, “If that’s your kid, then you deal with it.”

We’ve moved to silence.

Because of this, we’ve put our entire community in danger because we are allowing young men to run around with free rein doing what they think a man should do. men say what they want to women without regard to how disrespectful it is. men don’t heed the word no and when a woman speaks up, she becomes a bitch. Or a ho. men congregate in hopeless flocks with nowhere to go except the streets. Men are doing what they think defines masculinity and it’s simply contributing to the demise of a community. Our entire community has become like an antique plate which is perched on a perilous ledge waiting to fall over and shatter.

What Can Be Done

Just as the problem affects the whole community, it will take all of us to fix it.

Men raise your Sons. You all constantly walk around bashing single mothers and harping on their inability to raise young boys up properly. So you take up the task and do so. For those of you who don’t have any Sons (or children for that matter), MENTOR. Move back to a time of community and work with the young men in your neighborhood. Take something as simple as coaching a team, and instituting principles of manhood into practices. Tutor someone and mention that young men should respect young women within the classroom. When you teach a young man to tie a tie, mention that he’s to hold open doors for young women as well AND to not react if she doesn’t say thank you. As a woman, she could just be silenced by the shock of the situation (because it doesn’t happen often). But most of all, highlight that they can not respect women if they don’t respect themselves or their Mothers.

Make sure respect for self translates into respect for women and the larger community.

Women, we aren’t off the hook either. While men are busy raising their sons, teach your daughters that it is okay to speak up (unless her intuition is telling her to shush it). After reviewing some of the responses to purplepeace79′s tweet, I’ve come to the conclusion that while some men are fully aware that the disrespectful behavior is just that, they remain silent because we remain silent. Tell your Daughters that it is okay to have a voice. Give them a whistle and tell them to blow the hell out of it when males say some crazy mess to them. Teach your Sons that their masculinity is not predicated upon how disrespectful they are towards women. When walking out with them, encourage them to compliment women (as youngsters and to address them respectfully). Promote positive behavior towards young women by you yourself being positive towards yourself (which is an entirely different blog all on it’s on). ALWAYS. Children mimic what they see. But most of all, highlight that they can not respect women if they don’t respect themselves or their Mothers.

Make sure respect for self translates into respect for women and the larger community.

It’s time that we work on reclaiming what is ours, and men, this means that you have to raise your Sons. For some of you guys out there, this may mean that you’ll finally have to raise yourselves.

By Definition…

By definition, rape is a verb, an action, which is defined as the forcing of another person to have sexual intercourse without their consent or against their will, especially by threat or use of violence among them. It also means to spoil or destroy a place. Think about that last part for a moment.

To spoil or destroy a place.

To spoil…to diminish or destroy the value or quality of. To prevent someone from enjoying an occasion or event. To rob of goods or possession by force or violence. To ruin. To mar. To corrupt. To damage. To vitiate. To plunder upon. To prey upon. To pillage.

That’s what a Person’s humanity has been reduced to when they are raped. It has become unrecognizable to them and to others around them. They are less than and the assault on a person’s humanity comes in many different masks. It can look like acquaintance rape (someone knows the victim), date rape (someone accompanied the victim on an outing), gang rape (a group of people commit sexual assault against one person), marital rape (a spouse refuses to heed the “No.”), and statutory rape (a minor is assaulted by a legal adult).

Rape is often something a Person relives when they are placed around triggers and anything can be a trigger. From the way something looks to a sound in the background. To a smell while out in public or the feeling of a unknowing stranger bumping into them. Anything can be a trigger. And as People, we are stimulated through our senses…

So imagine living an assault repeatedly because you happen to be human?

Rape Doesn’t Happen That Often…

To the naysayers, here’s a quick snapshot of Rape. The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network or RAINN, is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. They compile the picture of rape and their website reports:

• 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed; 2.8% attempted)
• 17.7 million American women have been the victims of attempted or completed rape
• 9 out of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003
• While 80% of victims are white, minorities are more likely to be attacked
• About 3% of American men – or 1 in 33 – have been victims (2.78 million men in the US have been victims or sexual assault or rape)
• 15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12
• 7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they have been sexually abused
• 3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they have been sexually abused
• 93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker

Rape happens.

Injustices against people’s humanity happens. The effects of rape are lifelong and takes much therapy to get through. Victims of rape/sexual assault are 3 times more likely to suffer from depression, 6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, 13 times more like to abuse alcohol, 26 times more likely to abuse drugs, and 4 times more like to contemplate suicide.

But We Can’t Really Do Anything… Can We?

We can.

“If you are neutral in a situation of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” -Desmond Tutu

The most important thing that we can do is to remember that we live in a society that rewards conquests of the unknown and make up our minds that we won’t continue to sit by silently. SPEAK UP!

Speak up about ill intentions and unwanted affections being displayed by your friends. Tell them to think about it. Remind them that jail time can come along with it and IF you know of someone who has been assaulted, encourage them to make a report.

Speak up when people make “jokes” about the issue because nothing is funny about sexual assault. Refuse to laugh at jokes that include the word rape. After all, nothing is funny about 80% of women and 3% of men reporting that their Person was assaulted.

Call out people who use the term is a cavalier fashion (there is nothing funny about people saying, “Such and such a company raped me when they had me pay too much.”) In this instance, remember that it was a choice for the person to frequent the establishment and victims had no choice in what happened to them.

Speak up about implied assault in advertising. When you do, things like THIS happen.

Become an Ally.

Become someone who a person can trust completely without wondering about ill intentions. Become someone who stands up for faceless victims because just as there are people who report this, there are many people who don’t. Become a person that doesn’t rationalize rape, sexual assault, street harassment, molestation, and any other unwanted sexual behavior. Become a person who doesn’t question the victim first or question the outlet in which they choose to tell their story.

Become someone who remembers that a victim is, and will always be, a Person. Become someone who cares.

It’s time that we move past this idea that rape can be funny because it never is.

On yesterday, a relatively controversy piece made its way to CBS News (watch the video here). In a piece titled, “Study: Celebrity trumps news for women,” reporter Taryn Winter-Bill took to the streets to engage young college-aged woman and found them to be more knowledgeable about celebrity gossip than current events. After, CBS News legal analyst Lisa Bloom spoke to Erica Hill about the study.

Before I go any further, I’ll mention that this “study” was done after daring claims were made in Lisa Blooms’ new book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World. She found:

• Women could not name the three branches of government, wars we are currently involved in, and one major international news headline
• More wanted to be famous over winning the Nobel Peace Prize
• More wanted to be hit by a bus than to be fat
• Many believed we’ve made significant advances in women’s rights YET few knew that we are one a few “Western” nations that has never had a female head of state

What’s sad is that NONE of this surprises me. While an undergraduate and graduate TA in very different university settings, I found students in BOTH places to be relatively unaware of what was going on around them. Largely, their interest was only ground in events they could directly relate from. Sure, they knew all about a crisis overseas BUT it was only to advance a personal agenda.

And that’s fine. That’s what the United States of America has come to stand for. If it’s international and doesn’t relate directly to me, then I’m just going to watch the latest reality show until I find something (read: the news highlights something) that does.

Who Suffers The Most?

But the question is now: WHO SUFFERS FROM THIS? Well folks…it isn’t the poor Black people in urban centers that everyone wants to save.

It’s young, White women.

That’s right folks. It’s those young white women that have the most to lose from this. Let’s look at a few facts shall we.

• In 2007, White college enrollment constituted 64% of total college enrollment. Source
• Approximately 60% of Whites graduated with a bachelor’s degree or it’s equivalent within 6 years (the only group to outperform Whites in this area was Asians/Pacific Islanders). Source
• In both public and private not-for-profit 4-year institutions, the 6-year graduation rates for females were higher than the rates for males. Source
• In public institutions, approximately 58% of females graduated within 6 years versus 52% of males.
• The percentage of females graduating within 6 years at private not-for-profit institutions was 67% versus 61% of males.
• While examining race and sex, the NCES found that in 2007-08, 62% of Associate’s, 56% of Bachelor’s, 62% of Master’s, & 55% of Doctoral degrees were awarded to white women. Source

But Why Blame De-Segregation?

Well, folks, it’s simple. That’s when our education system as a whole went to hell.

Of course, the legislation brought about in Brown v. Board of Education (and other similar cases) were to ensure that people of color finally had the chance to receive an equal opportunity at a well-rounded education. No longer would racial and ethnic minorities be relegated to attending struggling and dilapidated schools on the outskirts of town where books were outdated and the building was falling apart. No! They would have the chance to attend the schools that had come to represent the beacon of beaming light upon a hill.

Except…over time, White people left. And with them, money.

Now with my background in education, I was also surprised to learn the other part of desegregation — the moving of teachers of color into white schools and vice versa. But with the money and the apathetic attitudes, white parents moved their white children to white suburbs where they could ensure that white teachers would teach in white schools. They built up schoolhouses whose “Keep Out If You Aren’t Like Us” rule has trickled down to even today. These schools, while better than urban schools aren’t all that great. It’s true, they look awesome when compared to urban schools where less than 50% of any given freshman class makes it to graduation and successfully matriculates into college. HOWEVER, these schools look like the runt of a puppy litter when compared to our global competition. Those AP courses your child takes as a Senior, I’m pretty sure a Chinese kid whose about 12 could pass…or at least carry their weight.

What ultimately has happened is that America has NOT stayed a force in education. We continue to fall in the educational ranks of developed nations and our students as a whole continue to struggle on standardized tests. Gone are the days of challenging curriculum and parents siding with the teacher. No, we’ve hurriedly ushered in an era where children are doted on and our challenging curriculum isn’t all that challenging. Our standards are low and our children are apathetic, spoiled brats…

All because someone in your family a while back didn’t want their child to be a kindergarten desk buddy with a Black kid and our government did nothing about it.

So to all of my White Ladies, Women, Chicks, Feminist Friends (whatever), you’re getting dumber….and it’s your grandparents (or great-grandparents) fault.